You must be some kind of Superstar

So I had my 2nd fill on Monday on oh boy can i tell the difference. My first fill I had 4mls in could feel it being a little bit tight and I knew it if I ate too fast or too big but this time I only had 1 ml in. It is really tight. I can feel it after a few bites of food. I think I like it. It makes me so much more consciuos of the band and what it is doing.

I kept saying after I PB'd (nearly every coupl of day) that I musn't be too bright but this time it is great. I can know immediately that something is not right. I am too scared to put anything in my mouth for fear it will get stuck so the choices I am making a good choices. Salad for lunch yesterday about 1/3 of a medium serve (plastic container thing) and some chicken. Cheese and crackers for afternoon tea and some pasta for dinner. I spoonfull of pasta and some sauce.

Right now I am having muesli for breakkie at me desk. I am not usre what full feels like. Pleasantly full and I have not gotten to know each other. I have always prefered fulls friend Stuffed or his long lost cousins Bloated and Better (as in MPython Better get a bucket). And here I am now stopping before my stomach screams at me to stop or it is going to explode. Nice. Unusual.

So here we are in the actual restriction phase of band life and i doing ok. I think as in much I my life I think I am going to be a textbook lapbander. Stress tightens my band. Mornings tighten my band. Bread is a no go area. I think I like it whih brings me too the song I am singing. You must be some kind of superstar oh yes you are.

WEIGH IN
Starting weight 165.8
Previous weight 154 (18th September)
Mondays weigh in 148.9
Total lost 16.9

Lost in a month 5.1kg Oh yeah Oh Yeah oh Yeah

Feeling good sugar feeling good

Will we ever be ready for what's ahead

The race is on.

Monday is my next fill. I am hoping and praying that I have lost some weight. It seems to have slowed right down. There was a big fall at the beginning but now I don't seem to be noticing changes as much. Maybe that's normal. We will see when I jump on the scales at the Dr's on Monday. Depending on how much weight i've lost and how much they think I should be eating will depend on whether I get another fill.

I think I need one because I seem to be able to eat alot. having send that i seem to puke alot. But usually I can pin that down to eating to fast and not chewing enough and taking big bites. Again not very bright.

So here we stand like a couple of fools and the race is on. I am trying to be so good this week. I really really so desperately want those scales to have gone down on Monday. That will be proof that this whole thing has been worthwhile and that I am on the right track.

Self doubt all over the joint. but self confidence on the rise. I am seriously loving the girls right now. I bought some new bras and the girls are all up high and standing proud and by golly am I flashing them around. Whoa nelly . :)

Should I post a pic???/ heheh Nah Porky Porn ain't my bag.

At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified but I survived.

SCHOOL HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!!!

And I am back at work.

Now don't get me wrong I love and adore my children but there is a clear reason I am not a stay at home mum. I have utmost respect for those that do stay home full time but I just do NOT have it in me to be there and be square 24/7.

Work for me is a release. It is a place where I can be myself. I also tend to be ...hmm what's the word...not babied but respected and kind of looked after at my work. I don't get that with my kids, if they think I am crap they will let me know there and then. See I am really good at my job and I know it so I am confident. This being a mother thing I am not so sure I am good at and do not have a great deal of confidence that I am doing any good.

So school holidays are hard. but I survived.

Oh and I puked a lot and ate a great deal of rubbish that I probably shouldn't have eaten.

But now I am back at work and I am much more disciplined at work. Aaahhh all the personalitlies that we have. Isn't it funny how we can morph through the day into different characters. Curiouser and curiouser.

Yes you make me feel like a natural women.....grrrrrrrrr

Oh boy did I get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I swear to God almighty that i could have ripped off someones head and shat down their necks and then made coffee to celebrate....except that there was no freaking milk in the house. See this is the thing that gets me. During the week I don't eat breakfast or lunch at home. I eat at work so on the weekends I get really narky when there is no milk or bread because it shits me to tears that the people in the house that do imbibe in those essentials don't either a. tell me to pick some up or b. buy some themselves. GGRRRRR!!!!!!

Now before you get all pedantic on my ass I know it isn't officially the weekend yet but I am now on holidays for a week and today was my first day of my holidays so I wanted some breakie and low and behold no milk. This also meant no coffee. I not person with no coffee. No function.

Plus my girls have been at home with their dad for a week so they were on a serious pay back mission. Lets annoy the crap out of mum today. At one point in time I walked into the kitchen and there was grated cheese all over the floor.They had made themselves lunch made a mess and just left it. It was all I could do not to ring DOCS myself and tell them to come save my girls before their mother cracked it.

So the reason for this anger outburst...hmmm lets look at it. I woke up with a serious drug hang over. I had a migraine for 2 days and last night finally took some mersyndol to try and get rid of it. The problem was I got woken up to early and didn't have time to sleep it off, hence the hangover. Reason a for cranky bitchfest.

Reason B would be hormones...Seriously homicidal maniac has moved in. Beware. I read something once an email joke or something that says something like "You know your scary when you swing you feet out of bed in the morning and Satan shudders and says "Oh No she is awake"

Well this morning Satan not only shuddered he shit himself. Poor bastard.

I seem to be getting really bad PMT over the last couple of months only for a day or so. I used to be able to recognise it when I was being bitchy and say "Oh it must be PMT" and then it would calm down. Now I don't know whether I just used to eat to suppress it and that's why I could control it which of course means now once I recognise it I can't do anything about it which just annoys me more and well you know the rest.

Another reason could be I realised something fairly deep about myself yesterday. I don't deal well with conflict. I come across very up for a fight but I think I do that so people don't want to take me on. Really I am shit scared of conflict so when a situation arises where I have to do battle I don't cope very well. Which is what has happened at work the last couple of days. Admitting that to myself was fairly big but bringing it home and taking it out on my family was not cool. Not cool at all.

So they are my reasons, not trying to justify just explain.

On the band front I puke nearly everyday You would think that I would get the message by now to slow the hell down and not eat big chunks but apparently I am not very bright.

My long suffering but very patient husband advises me that I have eaten this way for 35 years and it may take awhile to relearn new ways. Lets see if this old dog can learn some new tricks. If not I may as well take up humping legs and dragging my arse along the carpet.

And with that I bid you adieu