Countdown to banding day

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You must be some kind of Superstar

So I had my 2nd fill on Monday on oh boy can i tell the difference. My first fill I had 4mls in could feel it being a little bit tight and I knew it if I ate too fast or too big but this time I only had 1 ml in. It is really tight. I can feel it after a few bites of food. I think I like it. It makes me so much more consciuos of the band and what it is doing.

I kept saying after I PB'd (nearly every coupl of day) that I musn't be too bright but this time it is great. I can know immediately that something is not right. I am too scared to put anything in my mouth for fear it will get stuck so the choices I am making a good choices. Salad for lunch yesterday about 1/3 of a medium serve (plastic container thing) and some chicken. Cheese and crackers for afternoon tea and some pasta for dinner. I spoonfull of pasta and some sauce.

Right now I am having muesli for breakkie at me desk. I am not usre what full feels like. Pleasantly full and I have not gotten to know each other. I have always prefered fulls friend Stuffed or his long lost cousins Bloated and Better (as in MPython Better get a bucket). And here I am now stopping before my stomach screams at me to stop or it is going to explode. Nice. Unusual.

So here we are in the actual restriction phase of band life and i doing ok. I think as in much I my life I think I am going to be a textbook lapbander. Stress tightens my band. Mornings tighten my band. Bread is a no go area. I think I like it whih brings me too the song I am singing. You must be some kind of superstar oh yes you are.

Starting weight 165.8
Previous weight 154 (18th September)
Mondays weigh in 148.9
Total lost 16.9

Lost in a month 5.1kg Oh yeah Oh Yeah oh Yeah

Feeling good sugar feeling good

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Will we ever be ready for what's ahead

The race is on.

Monday is my next fill. I am hoping and praying that I have lost some weight. It seems to have slowed right down. There was a big fall at the beginning but now I don't seem to be noticing changes as much. Maybe that's normal. We will see when I jump on the scales at the Dr's on Monday. Depending on how much weight i've lost and how much they think I should be eating will depend on whether I get another fill.

I think I need one because I seem to be able to eat alot. having send that i seem to puke alot. But usually I can pin that down to eating to fast and not chewing enough and taking big bites. Again not very bright.

So here we stand like a couple of fools and the race is on. I am trying to be so good this week. I really really so desperately want those scales to have gone down on Monday. That will be proof that this whole thing has been worthwhile and that I am on the right track.

Self doubt all over the joint. but self confidence on the rise. I am seriously loving the girls right now. I bought some new bras and the girls are all up high and standing proud and by golly am I flashing them around. Whoa nelly . :)

Should I post a pic???/ heheh Nah Porky Porn ain't my bag.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified but I survived.


And I am back at work.

Now don't get me wrong I love and adore my children but there is a clear reason I am not a stay at home mum. I have utmost respect for those that do stay home full time but I just do NOT have it in me to be there and be square 24/7.

Work for me is a release. It is a place where I can be myself. I also tend to be ...hmm what's the word...not babied but respected and kind of looked after at my work. I don't get that with my kids, if they think I am crap they will let me know there and then. See I am really good at my job and I know it so I am confident. This being a mother thing I am not so sure I am good at and do not have a great deal of confidence that I am doing any good.

So school holidays are hard. but I survived.

Oh and I puked a lot and ate a great deal of rubbish that I probably shouldn't have eaten.

But now I am back at work and I am much more disciplined at work. Aaahhh all the personalitlies that we have. Isn't it funny how we can morph through the day into different characters. Curiouser and curiouser.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Yes you make me feel like a natural women.....grrrrrrrrr

Oh boy did I get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I swear to God almighty that i could have ripped off someones head and shat down their necks and then made coffee to celebrate....except that there was no freaking milk in the house. See this is the thing that gets me. During the week I don't eat breakfast or lunch at home. I eat at work so on the weekends I get really narky when there is no milk or bread because it shits me to tears that the people in the house that do imbibe in those essentials don't either a. tell me to pick some up or b. buy some themselves. GGRRRRR!!!!!!

Now before you get all pedantic on my ass I know it isn't officially the weekend yet but I am now on holidays for a week and today was my first day of my holidays so I wanted some breakie and low and behold no milk. This also meant no coffee. I not person with no coffee. No function.

Plus my girls have been at home with their dad for a week so they were on a serious pay back mission. Lets annoy the crap out of mum today. At one point in time I walked into the kitchen and there was grated cheese all over the floor.They had made themselves lunch made a mess and just left it. It was all I could do not to ring DOCS myself and tell them to come save my girls before their mother cracked it.

So the reason for this anger outburst...hmmm lets look at it. I woke up with a serious drug hang over. I had a migraine for 2 days and last night finally took some mersyndol to try and get rid of it. The problem was I got woken up to early and didn't have time to sleep it off, hence the hangover. Reason a for cranky bitchfest.

Reason B would be hormones...Seriously homicidal maniac has moved in. Beware. I read something once an email joke or something that says something like "You know your scary when you swing you feet out of bed in the morning and Satan shudders and says "Oh No she is awake"

Well this morning Satan not only shuddered he shit himself. Poor bastard.

I seem to be getting really bad PMT over the last couple of months only for a day or so. I used to be able to recognise it when I was being bitchy and say "Oh it must be PMT" and then it would calm down. Now I don't know whether I just used to eat to suppress it and that's why I could control it which of course means now once I recognise it I can't do anything about it which just annoys me more and well you know the rest.

Another reason could be I realised something fairly deep about myself yesterday. I don't deal well with conflict. I come across very up for a fight but I think I do that so people don't want to take me on. Really I am shit scared of conflict so when a situation arises where I have to do battle I don't cope very well. Which is what has happened at work the last couple of days. Admitting that to myself was fairly big but bringing it home and taking it out on my family was not cool. Not cool at all.

So they are my reasons, not trying to justify just explain.

On the band front I puke nearly everyday You would think that I would get the message by now to slow the hell down and not eat big chunks but apparently I am not very bright.

My long suffering but very patient husband advises me that I have eaten this way for 35 years and it may take awhile to relearn new ways. Lets see if this old dog can learn some new tricks. If not I may as well take up humping legs and dragging my arse along the carpet.

And with that I bid you adieu

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I see a red door and I want to paint it black

It's kind of my nature to want things to be different. I think we all have a little of that in us. I have grown my hair long. It has taken me about a year maybe two, now I am think maybe I should get it cut. Pain in the arse having it long, but I know as soon as I get it cut I will want it long. So this time I am NOT going to do that. I am going to enjoy having my hair long.

There are many of these moments throughout my life. I get one thing or do one thing than think it shoulld have been another. I need to just settle. Find a calm place. Settle myself, enjoy this moment. I think it has been hard to do because I haven't really liked myself for so long, I didn't really want to spend time with me. So I am always trying to change something, do something, move something, just so I didn't have to rest with me. Hmmm that's kind of sad really. I am starting to see so many patterns repeated over and over. My hair is just one example. Always trying to reinvent myself, probably trying to find an incarnation that I actually could stand to be around.

I don't even think being overweight was the problem, I think the weight was another attempt at reinvention that got way out of control. The path that this journey has taken me on has been very enlightening. I know everyone has there own road to tread but I would seriously recommend people see some sort of therapy kind of person before or during this process. I don't think I would have any chance of success if I didn't deal with some of my head crap.

Lets be honest there is a reason I ended up at 165 kg. This just doesn't come from nowhere. I am not really ready to put it up for general discussion but let's just say I am a textbook example of what one childhood incident can do to a person.

And yet is it really one incident or are there many muddled together in foggy memories. All rolling and swirling together in my subconscious. Maybe I need to scrapbook them . Take each individual memeory like it was a treasured photo and spend the time pasting it on to it's own page in my mind. Give each memory, the good ones and the painful ones,the time and care that they deserve just because they are me. Covet each one, as a link to who and what I have become. I never really got into the scrapbooking craze but I can just sit, with me, and recognise them. I know it will take time. It's a long process. I don't want to pretty them up, sticking ribbons and shit all over them but I think giving them there place in me rather than trying to crush the bad ones into oblivion would be......settling.

Peace out

Sunday, September 21, 2008

And we all shine on....

I have just updated my blog lists. These are the blogs I read everyday. Seriously these women give me strength, hope and courage.

Some of these chicks deal everyday and yet remain a positive force.

Cat who can make me laugh and bring me to tears in the one breath. Singe mum, autoimmune issues, now a gym junkie, you kick butt.

Myf who is off adventuring, making the band work for her, wearing a wetsuit for crying out loud. You are braver than I Myf, I take my hat off to you.

Kathy who just gets on with it, I don't think I have read one negative word in her blog. She is a soothing influence.

Diz , our American compatriot, she lays her shit on the table then deals with it. cool man very cool.

There are many others who I have looked in on and some I lurk and spy through the window. Not quite game enough to intrude on their worlds yet, but each one has left a message on my spirit. Some scratch deeper with their pens but all are indelible with their sweet words of success giving me hope that I too can some day utter the words "I did it". Sometimes they are stern words at themselves to get over it or get on with it, making me stand up and make sure I am also making every moment count. Sometimes feeling sorry for themselves letting me know that I too can have pity days and that we are all human and therefore fallible. But best of all laughing at themselves and not taking life too seriously, letting me know that I can see the funny side of life and that,my friends, is where it's at.

So thankyou Band and my roadie for without you I may never have gotten to glimpse at these riotous women's lives and let them take a peak at mine. Opening up, letting in, sharing, caring, feeling, hoping for their success as well as mine. I am a "bigger" spirit for the experience.

Thankyou All

The Good, The Bad and The Bubbly

So since my fill on Thursday I have been discovering what goes down, what comes up and what sits around for a while playing Grand ol Duke of York....Neither up nor down.

Here is what I have found so far

Salad ...surprise surprise goes down well. Chew it up which is the hard bit. Chewing a lettuce leaf 49 times is a tad painful but it goes down and stays down.

Bread..not a great friend of mine at the best of times(tends to give me hiccups)is still not a great friend but a small bit chewed up goes down but tends to hang around and if not chewed enough hurts like buggery. Not actual buggery but you know what I mean

Pastry...Bad Very Very Bad. I can not chew astry enough to make it go down. It comes back up again. Which brings me to the account of my 1st PB. At work on Friday trying to eat a pastizzi and it would not go down. It got wedged in there like a fat guy in a plastic outdoor chair on a hot summers day. So I start to drink little sips of water to try and budge it. Well budge it did. I just made it to the bathroom when I literally burped and up it came. It was like burping a big wet bubble and the the mouthful follows. Weird and yet surprisingly comforting. I feel like a proper bandit now.

Other than that I haven't pushed it too far. I am very surprised at how little I can eat. 1 crumpet for breakfast yesterday morning. A couple of spoonfuls of salad and 2 chicken wings for lunch today. My food intake already is half of what I was eating a couple of days ago which had reduced by about a half already what I was eat prebanding. I am shocked, a little worried and very scared.

See the fact is I like eating and I have to say I enjoyed eating vast amounts. I don't like the fact that I ate my way into having an arse the size of QLD but I really enjoy eating..lots. So just a bit sad that I can't eat anymore but you know can't keep stuffing my cake hole and lose the weight. So it's all good Isn't it???

OK this is real now and all is calm

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Fill her up...

I'm all filled up and boy isn't that a pleasant experience. Ya right. Big needle, no aneasthetic. Pain basically but its done for now.

After severely peaking over having a fill done I have 5mls in my band. I already had 1ml in there apparently (Who knew??). Now the real fun starts. I took my first drink of water and it felt like it was bubbling up like when you try to re-fill the hand soap in the bathroom and you get that air bubble and all spills over the top and for the next 3 days the bottle is all soapy. Like that.

Then we were out shopping last night and my husband and I shared a curry. Yes people I had a curry after my fill. Well when I say I had a curry I probably had 10 little mini forkfulls. But it was enough. I am taking my eating very slowly. My dietician told me the hole is now about the size of my thumb nail so nothing is to go in that is bigger than that and I have chew chew chew like the little train that could.

OK well I guess that's it.


What's that?

OHHH you want to know about the weigh in?

Well I guess I could tell you.

Here are the stats.

Preop 165.8kg
DOB 5/8/08 - 161.7kg
Previous Weight 11/8/08 -157kg
Current Weight 18/8/08 - 154kg

So another 3 kilos gone for good. Total 11.8kg

Happy? You better freaking believe I'm happy.


Fill Day

Ok no smart arsey comparisons to a rock band today.

It's my first fill today

I am kind of well....shit scared comes to mind. So now this is the real starting point I think.
After all the healing is done and the mind games have really kicked in , now we need to start actual weight loss. No more waiting for this and that to happen. NOW is the time. And of course I do have my period so that's nice and bloaty too.

Ok and get this. All the old weight watcher weigh in tricks have come back. Making sure I went to the toilet this morning. Not eating or drinking much today. I hate weigh ins after lunch time. Can't they weigh me naked first thing in the morning. It's not like my surgeon hasn't seen most of my bits anyway. Can't he front up to my door and weigh me as I haul my arse out of bed and haven't managed to stuff something in my gob yet? IT"S HARD TO GET GOOD SERVICE THESE DAYS.

So I will post how the fill goes later. Other than that it has been cruisy ...still.

Oh and my husband..through absolutely no trying of his own has managed to loose 4 kilos. I am so proud of him. I am really happy that my reduction of intake has had a positive influence on him. NO BUTS. I am happy for him.

but god or the universe or someone. Hello!! Down here!! Can i have a turn now please!!

Fill Day

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Slack Arse City - 6 weeks on tour

So here I sit in Slack Arse City. Lost. Bewildered. Slumped in a pay by the hour hotel of complacency and listlessness. My eyes watering from the miasma of my indifference like a pall of cigerette smoke that clings to your skin and hair.

Have I been banded? Is my weight loss under control? Who would know? Not me. I can't tell the difference. I'm still fat. I'm still a walking (just) testament to what 12 thousand calories a day will do to a person when sustained over 35 years. What started off as a world tour of excitement and change and well a fun gig is just barely holding together.

Me and my band don't seem to have got to know each other very well yet. I know the bands here with me. I can feel the roadie high in my gut when I lay down to sleep at night. It still hurts a little when i put pressure on it but it's ok. I know the band is there because I am eating much less than I used too but the after show, the backstage antics have all been a bit meh!!

I was expecting a wild ride like being on tour with Aerosmith or the Stones in their hayday. I was up for the sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was ready to trash a hotel and pull groupies in for orgies with the band. Instead what I got was to be on tour with the freakin Osmonds. This band is so bloody boring that the Queen herself would will some too bite the head off a chicken just to liven it up a bit.

So I get my first fill next Thursday. Maybe I can go in there like I am scoring for the band. Pretend to smuggle some cocaine out under my jacket (do you even do that with cocaine??) I dunno. Not ever been one for smack. Bourbon is more my bag. Moving on.

Hopefully after that the fun will start. The weight will start to come off and we can kick off the next leg of the tour with some serious freaking attitude.

Now retrospectively I mean it hasn't been a bad tour, we went through Liquidtown with neer a difficulty. I got sick of the food in Liquidtown, all they eat there man is soup. Soup, cup a soup, soup in a can, occasionally you'd get an up and go or maybe some yoghurt but seriously dude they should have called the place Soup City. Next we moved on to Mushiville. After Liquidtown I was ready for some real food, and Mushiville didn't let me down. They do an awesome risotto there and not a bad mac and cheese. I also discovered in Mushiville that pizza was on the menu, not great heaps of it mind you but once every coupld of weeks me and the band would order a pizza in and well it would be ok.

So now we are headed towards SolidCity after this rather dreary stop here in Slack Arse City with a quick stop over in Fill-iton.
I am trying to keep the band healthy and so far we haven't put on weight according to the scales but new bras might be in order soon.
I guess it hasn't been a bad run so far. Maybe a big night on the town might be just what the tour manager ordered bastard that he is. Paid him his cut and haven't heard from him in awhile.

Ok so will try and keep everything moving forwards. Will try and blog more often and will try and lift my slumpy, self indulgent, sooky mood.

Love to All

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Jimmy Choo and the shakers playing here tonight

Ok I know it has been a long time between updates but it was a furious lead up to banding day. Busy with work, home, kids etc. Also I just didn't really have anything to say. I was so anxious and nervous and excited I couldn't string two words together. Also my stomach does this weird playing up thing when I am extremely stressed where it really can't hold onto anything so I was just a big barrell of yuk leading up to the op.

But now I am banded. I have a lap band. I am a bandit. New life has begun. What do I think so far. Neh. Whatever. See I knew logically in my head that the surgery was going to hurt, I knew logically that I wasn't going to walk out of the hospital 80kgs lighter, I knew logically in my head that liquids for 4 weeks was what was on the cards. The problem is that logic doesn't always have the loudest voice. So to each issue. The pain. I had my gall bladder out last december so pain and I are firm friends. I thought this would be less painfull than that and it is. I was on a really nice cocktail of painkillers after the gall bladder op though. The problem with the painkillers is I got a really really REALLY bad case of constipation and I didn't want to go there again so this time I have been avoiding the codeine. So you know it hurts. And my body has decided this week that coughing is fun. NO i tell it NO coughing is not fun. Coughing hurts. ALOT
I have also been sucking down prune juice (it is the drink of warriors for all those trekkies) and so we have not had any constipation issues. Quite the opposite actually and here in lies another fun fact. When you are on a liquid diet, boosted with prune juice, everything is quite soft and mooshie. Bt you are also full of gas which needs to be released, so you are tooting along playing the bum trumpet and ooh ohh no thats not gas. I have had a few near misses over the last couple of days because I can't feel uumm how to say it...solids (**shrugs**)

So there is pain and poop. Now to question my next logic arguement. I knew this was not an overnight cure. I knew I was not going to come out of hospital 80kgs lighter, I know that was not going to happen. But i think this banding thing is somewhat like a wedding. The effort and planning etc that you put into the one day you can't really believe that life returns to normal the next day. I think its a little like that. I have waited so long for this momentous event and now its done and life to a certain degree has returned to normal. I am still massively overweight, I still have to go back to work next week, the kids still need dinner and baths and to go to school etc etc. I think there is just some anti climax things going on. So again thats a little confronting and I think will be hard to deal with.

OWWW... ok sneezing sneezing hurts too

And then there is the liquids. Now my dietician told me it was liquids for 3 weeks then mushies for 3 weeks and I kind of had that as ok in my head. That meant i was only on liquids for 2 weeks once I go back to work. But the packet of info I got from my surgeon says liquids for 4 weeks and mushies for 2 weeks. This has kind of thrown me a bit. Also I knew what a liquid diet entailed, I prepared for it. I shopped and cooked for it. But living it is a little different. When I think of eating it is hard to push all solid foods to one side. DOn't get me wrong I know I have too and I am doing so but it is very different to do so.

All in all I can say I am banded and thats about it. We will see how things progess.

Jimmy Choo and the shakers on stage now. Pete Port the roadie as always backing up the band.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday on my mind

It's late friday night. Late by my standards anyway. I usually get up around 5 so in bed about 9pm. Its about 10:30. I am on my hmmm 5th glass of wine. I thought I was sharing the bottle with P but I realised on my 3rd that he was actually drinking bourbon. So this post comes to you slightly giggly and needing to pee every 10mins.

Today as you may have noticed by the wine intake, I am not paying to much attention to the diety side of things.I did really well at work I ate my mandarin at morning tea while everyone else inhaled party pies and caramel tea cake but a few glasses of wine may not be optifast approved. Not overly concerned. 10 days to go till op. I am kind of getting in a few last minute no no's so my post today might be a bit random and jump around a bit. My head generally works like that. I can be thinking of one thing and then go off on a tangent and get sidetracked. Stay with me, we will get there in the end.

I had a conversation with my head friend today that went something like this

Me: I need your opinion on something
Her: OK shoot
Me:These mental people you deal with...
Her: Yep
Me: If they are like completely mental and go off their meds, then they kill someone, they go to court, argue diminished resposnsibility due to being mental and they get off.
Her: Sometimes yes
Me: OK so someone who has used the same medication for 24 yrs (ie food) goes off their meds and kills someone, can they then claim diminished responsibity?
Her: UUMM no?
Her: Who do you want to kill?

hehehe. Agression and I are old friends. I long to be calmer but it is very much and untravelled road, and there is some old saying about an untravelled road has rougher cobble stones that hurt your feet more.....something like that.

Ok so now I have a bottle of wine in me. Kids and husband in bed and the house is quiet. I love this time of the day.

What should I blog about. What do I want to say. So much and yet I dunno. Should we revisit the toilet phobia. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson. It wouldn't be the 1st time. Remind me some time(maybe when I am sober) to tell blog the toll booth story. It will freak you out.

Or should we revisit my mother issues. Which would be interesting right now seeing as she had my kids last week for the school holidays and I came home 75% of the time to pick them up and Oh wait lo and behold they have cooked a cake. Talk about sabotage.

Ok maybe lets go there for a bit. Sabotage. I do enough of it myself without her helping me along. Seriously she had my kids for 7 days and 4 days there was a cake or caramel friggin slice cooked. The days there was no cake the biscuit tin was promptly dropped in my lap the moment I arrived (proud of myslef for not partaking). This is an issue I have had with my mother for a LOOOOONNG time. She is o/weight I am o/weight and she seems to like making a competition out of it. I didn't tell her about the band until I was booked in and it was a done deal because at the time she had just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had lost loads of weight. She was doing really well and I was really pleased for her but I didn''t need the old "Well I can do it without surgery, why can't you"

She always seems to make our weight loss efforts into a competition. Since I was young this has been going on. Of course clarity has only come to me recently and I can see her sabotage and disparaging comments for what they really are...Fear, Fear that I will be smaller than her. Fear that the one person she can always rely on to be bigger than here hence making her look small is not going to be there any more. I know in my heart that she wants me to be happy and healthy, I know that she would never wish me ill health or sadness in my life....

I also know they she would do anything to get to a healthy weight before me. I think my surgery has her freaked out. And I have come to realise at age 35 that it is ok for her to be freaked.That is not my issue. I can take her support when it is offered but I can leave her sabotage with her. And the week just gone when she had the girls that is exactly what I did. I can understand that her sabotage of my efforts is her fear not mine, it is her journey not mine, I do not have to play that game, I do not have to eat cake just becasue it was cooked by children in my honour. I can marvel at my girls passion for cooking without partaking in the chocolate frosted heart attack they have baked for me.

Mothers are complicated. I love my mum, but she has failed me in so many ways. As an enlightened adult I need to learn to seperate the love I Have for my mother and the disappointment I feel at her having let me down along the way. I believe that she did the best she knew how to do at the time but am I okay in saying " You know what woman sometimes your best wasn't good enough" I am sure that I stumble sometimes on my motherhood journey. I think sometimes I should be contributing regularly to a therapy fund for my girls for when they get older. The trick is to see her as a human being who has failings and yet here I sit, all growed up. Successful? Who can judge. Happy? Learning what that means. Healthy? Approaching with caution. Wise? I like to think so. Peaceful? Within the realm of possibility. Loved? Hell yes. Loving? With all my heart.

So who takes credit for thar. Me or Her
Maybe a bit of both with a lot of help from my heart quilt. There are those that have taught me to love, and I am good at that. I have enough room in my heart for all that need a place. But is there enough room in that loving heart for the fat girl? The girl who needs a bit of extra room just to get her arse in the door?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


The last couple of days have been hard really really hard.

Let me spill

We have rolled out a new software system at work. It is so completely foreign but after 3 weeks I think I am finally understanding a little, but it is quite stressful, next week I have to train my offsider to do my job while I am away having my band done. Talk about the blind leading the blind. We are also doing price changes on all our products so everything has to be costed properly and then all the prices need to be updated. What day does this need to start 4th August what day am I getting banded? 5th August. The girls are back at school, which also means back to dancing so they are tired and grouchy, it's ttom so my hormones are completely out of whack, in about 11 days time I am having the op and it is freaking me out. Other than getting married and having the girls this is the biggest life changing decision I have made.

So here I am, I am stressed at work, and quite frankly am a bit over it. I am tired, scared, emotional, freaked, and my one comfort. The one way that I have medicated myself for the last 35 years has been taken away from me.

I think I might just cry, or yell or throw something. I JUST WANT TO EAT.

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Band by any other name

I am ignoring my mother issues for now all though I did discuss my HUGE toilet phobia with my head friend yesterday. Basically it comes down to this... I am now on full blown optifast. What is optifast full of. Lactose. What at age 35 have I discovered I have an intolerance for? Lactose.

Outcome.... Big issues with a toilet phobia. I usually don't go anywhere but home...and I mean anywhere. I have held on for 3 days at my inlaws before I finally had to go and then I made P go in straight afterme so nobody knew I had gone. Anyway moving on

So I have been reading on the lapband forums that people name their bands. I thought I might like to name mine ...when I get it. I couldn't think of anything I liked but I thought of a name for the port. I am naming my port Pete. I think Pete is a good name for a Roadie and as we all know the roadie travels with guessed it the roadie travels with the band...hehehe I still think that is funny even after 24 hrs it's making me chuckle.

So this morning in the shower I was still trying to come up with names for the band. And here it is...wait for it.

Jimmy Choo and the Shakers.


Cracks me up. So I was telling P this morning about my bands name and I said I wish my stomach would settle down (lactose intolerance again) and I said it is like having a pack of teeange groupies rushing the stage. hehe. Full of something. I'd like to think wit but think it might be shit.

So there you are I have named the band and..... Pete the Roadie.

So other than that all is good. We are still on countdown. 2 weeks to go today. I am about 8 kilos down but just starting ttom so not sure if that is accurate or not.

I need 1 last steak before I get banded and 1 more pizza night. It is hard to stay focused on the opticrap when you know that last drinks have been called. I am having good days and bad as far as emotions go. I am working through them as they come up and feel like at least 75% of the time I am doing the right thing. So we are still travelling.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A sure fire cure

Would be nice... For hiccups

No seriously I kid you not I have had the hiccups for an hour. It has taken me 2 minutes to log in and write the 1st line because I had to keep deleting and retyping because I was hiccuping and typing the wrong thing.

This sucks. I know what casued it too. Bread. Had casserole for dinner and had a small amount of afghan bread to soak up the bit of sauce in the bottom of the bowl and here we are an hour later in hiccup city.

I wonder if bread does this to anyone else. I seem to get the hiccups evertime I eat bread. I don't think it helps that I eat really fast. Which of course brings up another question. How do I slow down my eating?If I scoff this fast with the band I will be yawning the technicolour rainbow all over the joint. I have always eaten fast. It was the quick and the dead at my house growing up. You didn't eat fast you missed out if there was a second helping and if you ate too slow the kitchen was closed for dessert by the time you were finished. Not to mention that the vultures would be circling to eat what was left on your plate. It was like feeding time at the zoo. Like those litters of little piggies, that you see crawling all over the mummy pig, god forbid they let go of the nipple cause that's it for you piggy, your fat little brother will push you over the hill and you have to run around and get back in line. Well in my house the kitchen was the mother pig and the chocolate topping bottle was the teat.

And let me tell you it's not like we had the world's greatest chef cooking for us either. I will be honest my mothers cooking left well a little to be desired.. namely taste. To be fair give my mother a complex recipe for a 12 course banquet and you are laughing yum diddly o. But give her something everyday and she wasn't too crash hot. There were a few famous incidents.....

Stuffed Eggplant - now let me take you back to the early80's when eggplant wasn't a very common veg, especially in a western suburbs lower income household. But she wanted to give it a go. She bought 3 . cut the tops off. Hollowed out the insides and threw that away????? and then stuffed them with a can of 3 bean mix, put some melted cheese over the top. Needless to say that was foul. No really, just foul. I think this was one of the few times i wasn't forced to eat everything on my plate.

Oh then there was curry that turned the white plastic spoon yellow. A vibrant shade of yellow. I think this happened when I was maybe 13 or 14. When I moved out at 22 the spoon was still yellow.

Ok I know, there was the spag bol that was a vibrant pink colour due to being watered down so much and bulked up with baked beans. Hello.

All in all she didn't do to badly, she made the budget and the meals stretch which couldn't have been easy, and I ended up here at 165kg so I must of eaten what she cooked. And these days when you go for a meal it is usually pretty good, but some memorable moments were had at our dinner table.

I have taken some of the things that I believed contributed to me being 165kg and toned them down at my dinner table now though. My girls don't have to eat everything on their plates and they are not forced to eat anything they don't like. There is a balance between healthy food and junk and they eat regularly throughout the day. Dessert is not an everyday thing but when we have it everyone is offered some, you don't have to eat all your dinner to get dessert. Nobody eats from anyone elses plate. P is the biggest culprit for doing this especially when the girls have knocked up and there are still roast potatoes on thier plates. I stop him and try and explain where I am coming from on this point. So we get by. And I think we do ok.

I haven't yet told my girls to go wrap the chicken in toilet paper and put it in the fridge to cook (a famous mother quote) but I am sure that I will say something equally dumb and they will require some therapy and maybe a blog to see some of the funny side to their childhoods.

I think I may have just opened a can of worms. I think you may be hearing a lot more about my relationship with my mother as we get closer to banding day. It is complex, as I am sure people can relate. It needs some thought......

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Catch up time

Ok So it is Monday 14th July and time to catch up with what's been going on

I saw the anaesthetist last Monday and he was very happy with all the results of my tests, xrays etc. So all good there. Then on Friday I saw both the dietician and the surgeon. These appointments went really well. I am on optifast officially now 2 meals a day. I have kind of weened myself onto them over the last month. I started having 1 meal a day then about 2 weeks ago i upped it to the 2 a day but was still able to eat if I need to. Well now we have started playing for real. Optifast 2 meals a day, 1 low cal meal for the 3rd meal, I can also have 2 cups of vegies and 1 small piece of fruit. Renee also said that I could put some berries in my vanilla optifast and she wouldn't have a problem with that.

P and I have discussed how we are going to handle the liquid phase.Over the next couple of weeks I will make a few casseroles and then churn them up to a thin soup and put them in the freezer. P is having a few problems getting his head around it all at the moment. I think up to this point it hasn't much affect on him but now he is required to step up a little. Renee (the dietician) asked me if he was supportive. My response was he couldn't be more supportive, if anything I need to toughen him up a bit. I think obese people (or it just me) can be very manipulative. I can get him to bring me anything I want. 9pm at night and I want ice cream he will go get it for me. I am going to take him along to the next appt with Renee so that he is fully cognizant of what I am allowed to eat and what I am not. This is a family venture here. All in the boat together.

So as far as the banding goes we are on track for the 5th August. I have forms etc for the hospital and just need to do the admission and buy some stuff for after the op.

I am getting really excited now. Did I mention before that I had bought my Christmas dress (2 actually) 2 sizes 2 small, also my best friend gave me a gift voucher for me birthday so I am going to use that to buy my 1st "normal" jeans (you know from jeans west or somewhere like that).

For the 1st time in my life I feel like I have an actual hope of being thin(ish). I am starting to be able to visualise what I will look like under the padding. I am starting to understand that I can be a thin person. I am not my weight, I am not a figure on a scale. My weight does not define who I am. I am writing myself a new map of reality. This path is different to any I have been on before. I think the flowers will smell just as sweet over this new side of the fence but my back won't hurt leaning down to smell them and my knees won't ache traipsing through the field to get to them.

So all in all I am good. Excited, anticipatory, a little nervous but in good spirits. Bring it on

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Today the fun begins....or guilt in its many forms

So today I have my appointment with the anaesthetist who will be doing my band. Then on Friday I am going back to see Dr Cregan and have my 1st appointment with the dietician (don't know her name yet).

As is shown by my groovy little ticker thing it is only 29 days to go, the Dr's appointments have started cropping up and things are starting to pickup pace. Add to that school holidays, parent teacher interviews, birthdays coming out of our blow holes, a new software system at work, performance reviews etc etc, life is just one big ball of hectic at the moment.

I took some time on Friday to talk to my head friend. It is such a comfort to be able to say what is on my mind and have someone ask me questions and make me answer them instead of avoiding issues.

One of the things I have been dealing with which is getting harder to cope with as we get closer to banding day is the associated guilt I feel with having the operation. I have made the decision to get banded and am good with that decision. There is no question in my mind that this is not only the best solution for me but also for my family. This will take us along a different path than we might otherwise have followed. BUT......

There is this little voice in my head that says,"Hang on there just a minute lovey. You got your fat arse into this mess and now you expect everyone else to bail you out". The money, the time, the emotions, all the various ups and downs, and changes that I will be going through have a price. And I am asking those around me to pay that price. Ah and here is the clincher it all comes down to this. Am I worth the price?

On my darker days I would tell you no. Just let me go, Let me fall into the abyss, let me die alone under the weight of my own self. Just let me go.

But they are my darker days, and now I am trying to let the light through. I try everyday to come out of the shadows of my obesity. Am I worth the price that I am asking them to pay? Yes. Yes. Yes I am.

Guilt is useless but it has a place in my head. The game is to let it have it's moment and then put it back to bed. When it raises it head, acknowledge the guilt in that moment,"thanks for coming" I see you are here. Bye Bye for now.
Can I use that emotion as a motivator instead of a heart stopper. Can I say yes there is a price to pay so lets step up and make sure we are all getting what we paid for. Can I turn this crippling feeling of having committed an offense into a positive, action inspiring, push towards my goals. Can I?

Course I can, I am woman, I can do anything I put my mind too.....just you watch me.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Weighty Issues

My weight has now gone back up again. I had lost 7 kilos but now it has jumped back up looking like I have only lost about 4. This is a real issue for me because my biggest justification for self sabotage is that nothing is happening anyway.

Over the years I have done myself in over and over again when I have been really trying and the weight just won't budge.

But then..... in a moment of clarity ("ping" the lightbulb just went on)...have I really been trying that hard. Oh don't get me wrong I am having my optifast and cutting down my portion sizes and letting EVERYONE know how hard it is to be on the optifast and woe is me, poor me....oh please can I have some chocolate because seriously I only get to eat 1 meal a day....booo bloody hoo.

Now for the reality of yesterday. Yes 1 had my shake for breakfast. Chinese with fried rice takeaway for lunch, sucked on butter menthols all day, got home had some corn chips and salsa, then a couple of tim tams, then a couple of forkfuls of pasta salad, P gets home "Oh no honey I am not eating I have already had my 1 meal for the day"I say so innocently, cough splutter cough.... then 2 english muffins about 9pm because I was STARVING....Not likely.. Oh and an icecream in there too.. So really honestly.


Pick up your end game woman. This is not a dress rehersal. This is your freaking life you are messing with here. You get banded in a month and you are still playing this stupid game. GET REAL. GET IT TOGETHER. COME ON.

No more of this poor me crap. I got myself into this. Only I can get myself out and this has too stop. TODAY here and now. Stop the sook. Stop the crap. Stop the self flagellation. Stop giving yourself excuses to keep eating and treating your body with disrespect, treating yourself with disrespect. You are worthy, you are worth it. You will, can and must lead a life of self respect.
Serve yourself with love instead of food.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

Not much too say....

I have found today that I don't have much to say so I thought I would let some other people have a say....

I thought I would share some of the words to songs etc that I really love. They are not necessarily profound but they have touched me or I just like the melody or whatever.

So the 1st one is a song I have had stuck in my head for days. It is Don McLean's Castles in the Air and here are my favourite lines from it.

"And if she asks you why, you can tell her that I told you
That I’m tired of castles in the air.
I’ve got a dream I want the world to share
And castle walls just lead me to despair"

But the line I really love is " How can words express the feel of sunlight in the morning" aaahhh Don. If I could put your words into Anthony Warlows voice with George Clooney looks by God you would be the perfect man.

Ok So my next one is Meatloaf. Yes I know from Don McLean to Meatloaf. What is this girl. Insane. No just eclectic.

So Meatloaf "Paradise by the Dashboard light." This whole song evokes so many fun memories of my teenage years. It is cool, very cool. Meatloaf my friend you Rock. Even with a Zimmer frame you rock.

I have just decided that I love music. If I had no music in my life I think I would prefer to die....Oh OH Don again....Bye Bye Miss American pie drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry..them good ol boys were drinking whiskey and rye...Singing this will be the day that I die. The day the music died.

Imagine a life without singing and music and feeling uplifted and the joy that music can bring. I so wish I had learnt an instrument or something. Is is too late? Am I too old to start? What about some singing lessons. Or maybe...oh I know and african drumming workshop thing. Oh I would love that. So cool and earthy and tribal. Fun fun. Ok I have to look into that.

I would love to be so talented that you could write words down and they would touch someone in a way that would stay with them forever like a song writer or a poet does. Imagine being able to transpose a single thought into a melody that people hum, or dance too at their wedding or sing to their babies. Artists gotta love them.

So that's my post today. I am off to bug the office with my singing. Gotta practice I have convinced the boss to order karaoke for the christmas party. he he. Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti.....

If I think of any more I will add them on

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Flu and the trouble with my pants


How can one person excrete so much snot. It is remarkable.

Oh and not just the flu but bam there you go have TTOM as well.
This morning I went to Coles and bought 5 industrial size packets of cough lollies, a box of man size tissues and 2 boxes of tampons. The woman at the register said " How are you today?" Look in my basket you silly cow, How the hell do you think I am today. Whatever. Stick a bloody fork in me cause I am done.

And then there is the trouble with my pants. Look I know I have an arse the size of a barn but really could I just have 1 pair of pants that stays made. My good jeans, zipper split, my rough jeans- scruffy hems, my brown work pants - missing button, hole at the base of zip, black work pants - tiny hole near seam white knickers show through, stone coloured jeans - missing button. The only pants I have that haven't let me down yet - trackies. Problem with trackies - can't wear to work. Sigh.

Now if I was in the right thinking kind of mind, I could just say to myself -" wear a skirt, solves the pant issue" problem with skirts is, legs and the need for hair removal. Life is...... life.

Blue today.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Live for those perfect hours

Have you ever noticed that life as we know is not perfect but as you are trudging through the quagmire of everyday minutiae we are granted those perfect moments. Today I had 1 perfect hour. In a day filled with head colds, grocery shopping with children and my husband (uurrrgg), doing washing, stopping the squabbling, cooking meals etc etc the universe granted me 1 truely perfect hour.

Let me share.

The Bear started off the day bugging her big sister most terribly, and after a discussion with her we decided to head off to the park too burn off some of her excess energy...but first the fruit and veg shopping. So into a bag I chucked a veggie peeler, a knife, some plates etc and off we went, bought our fruit and veg for the week and then too the park.

Once there the girls ran off to play , while I chopped up some fruit, peeled a carrot and some celery and got out some salsa. Paul and I sat in the beautiful sunshine and the girls came and went snacking on some good healthy food in between swinging and monkey bars. We were down by the river ( nice spot in downtown Penrith). After morning tea Paul and I just sat and cuddled while the girls ran and played and just enjoyed the time we spent there. My 1 perfect hour. Just lovely. A time I will treasure in my memory and something I am planning to try and recreate on a regulare basis.

On a day where channel 9 has bombarded us with stories on the sexualisation of children, and on the week were Australia has officially become the world's fatest national..I took my little girls to a park to run and play and get dirty and eat fruit and vegies and just be my little girls. I felt a peace. I felt like I was being an excellent mother and wife. I felt good.

Of course the universe likes to keep us real and my 1 pefect hour ended in typical fashion.
Bear hurt herself on the swing and the 3rd day of my not going to the tiolet because of the amount of codeine I ave been taking finally caught up with me and I barely made it home before disaster struck and my perfect hour ended with a lot of groaning and moaning and lots of glen 20 :)

Sorry for the grossness but you know if I am going to share with you, you have to get the whole story.

So treasure the moments that you get, deal with the crap when it hits and live life in the best way possible.

Oh and by the way I've lost 5 kilos on self inflicted optifast 1 meal a day. Life is pretty good today.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My girls

The fabric of my heart quilt, Grace and Emily.

It just takes one little thing...BOOM crash and burn


I feel like screaming. I am so angry. Ok so here is the story

I got accussed on Tuesday of cheating in the footy tipping competition by a work colleague. I run it but am not "in" it. I don't tip. So anyway I got accussed of changing the rules half way in to benefit another colleague. OK. I know petty and pathetic but there it is.

I got really upset, felt like I had to get McDonalds, then did my self talk...can you change how he thinks, speaks, feels and ok so the only person you can control is you, do you have a clear conscious.. yes ok so don't let him be the reason that you put crap into your body. I wasn't hungry, I talked myself round, I talked it out with P over dinner that night. All good right.


That was Tuesday. Wednesday...Day long binge. Can't get it out of my head. I am trying to be a duck (eckhart tolle reference) flap my wings and get rid of the excess anger, energy etc but this duck just ain't flapping, this duck is an angry angry bird. This duck wants to cook somebody's goose.. hehe that's funny cook a goose. Anyway. So after starting off today in binge mode I am trying to pull it into line. I don't want to be affected in this way by other people. I need to not let it bother me so much. AAHAAAHHHHHHH so hard so very very (not allowed to say hard because if you think it will be hard will be hard) ok so very very different to not let my emotions be tangled by outside influences.


I am a duck ...flap flap
I am a duck...flap flap
Duck's don't eat bacon and egg mcmuffins flap flap
Ducks love being healthy

Hang on ducks like hot wait that's seagulls
I am a duck...flap flap

Monday, June 16, 2008

It's my party and I'll cry if i want too...or not

Yesterday 16th June was my 35th birthday. I am not having an age crisis but feel I should be according to comments. I feel like I have reached the age where people expect me to be "wierd" about my age and I am not. I am really happy with 35, it's my last fat birthday and i fell like I am getting to the point where I am comfortable with me and who I am.

It has taken some work. For example on Sunday night I realised for the first time, truely realised wholly and fully that 95% of the dissapointments in my life are caused by my expectations of people and them not living up to them hence the disapointment. Now here's the thing, I believe that I have too high expectations of people so that that they can't possibly live up to them and will of course let me down. Then I can go through the I'm obviously not worthy, not lovable etc cycle and reward, medicate and make myself generally feel better with food.

So my mission this week is to meet people where they are and to try not to put my expectations and my standards on other people. Hmm a tough call, not so much hard as different.

Happy 35th Birthday to me last fat birthday bring on 36 I feel a party coming on.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Goodbye My Old Friend

I am on serious countdown to banding day. I think today I have about 7 weeks to go so I am saying goodbye to all my old friends.

Today I said goodbye to Krispy Kreme donuts. Thank you old friend for the little fluffy donutty clouds of sugary sweetness that have been my occasional companion for quite a few yrs now.

We say goodbye today over 1 original glazed and a mocha chiller blend. AAhh it was nice knowing you kid but I have a feeling you and my new best friend "the band" are not going to get along very well so here we must part ways. I cringe over how your sickly sticky white floury sugar lump will get stuck in my chest and badger me for hours so, so long and thanks for all the fish.

**sniff sniff**

Ah well thank god I haven't said good bye to Doritos yet or there would be some issue.

It's funny how I have used food to medicate myself. When I say funny I don't mean in the ha ha what a laugh kind of way, I mean funny in the I have medicated myself to 166 kilos what a psycho thing to do kind of way. Food has always been my friend, I can eat till it hurts and then eat some more. I have figured out with some help from my head friend that it's my suppression technique. I eat because I think it's rebellion.

But if I am honest I eat to strengthen my wall. That shield, that armour that protects me from the big bad nasty world. What I have been working on lately is actually feeling what the world brings in and if thats hurts well then so be it. It's not easy though, I have 24 years of protection to bring down. A wall away from the world to protect me and my emotions from all the hurt and the anger and the scariness and all the "why me's" that i have ever said or felt. Why me , well because you are fat of course.

Isn't it a crock what we say to ourselves everyday. Out internal dialogue that says "You deserve to be this way because you are bad or not good enough". And its starts when we are a child, something will happen to us that we carry with us and it makes us believe something so deep seeded about ourselves we carry it around like a backpack for years and years.......

Until you meet someone who makes you question that intrinsic belief about yourself, that you may never have questioned or even realised you believed until then. And then your world comes apart and you start to rebuild it piece by piece to make it better, make new choices, believe something different about yourself. Believe that you deserve to be good to yourself and to treat yourself with dignity and respect, and dare I say it, to love yourself.

So I work on loving me. Claire, I say"I love you" and somedays I ignore it and brush it off and eat soemthing to make the hurt go away but

Somedays, more frequently lately it makes me smile and strengthens my new protection which I like to picture as a quilt, to warm and comfort. Sewn with loving hands by those who also want to love and protect and keep me warm, sewn by me to wrap around myself, much less harmful than a suit of armour. Sewn by my girls and my husband who don't know that everyday they add tiny stitches to my quilt just by being anf loving.

Claire i say "I love you" and somedays I believe it.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

When did we forget how to laugh?

Yesterday at work I took some pain killers (having some issues with my back and neck) and so went a little loopy and well a bit giggly. Kind of like a 9 yr old boy when someone says boob or poo.

My colleagues thought I was demented.

So my question is when did we forget how to laugh and just giggle and be a tad moronic? and then my 8 yr old the beautiful and talented Miss Grace waltzs in being a bit of a...I want to say bimbo but that doesn't fit with Grace at all but lets just say silly and I tell her to stop being ridiculous and get ready for dancing. Come on. Hurry.. We Don't have time for this silliness. And lo and behold there is my answer. When did we forget how to laugh and act ridiculous?, when our mothers, teachers, colleagues, husbands, friends and ourselves told us we don't have time for this and looked at us like we were heading for the institution.

So my mission today is not to care what people think about the silliness, I plan on being free and I will take Miss Grace along for the ride.

Now where are those pain meds............

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

So Over it...and yet living the moment

June 12th 2008

So was watching Oprah yesterday. Yes I am fan. I am good with it.
Maria Shriver was on talking about her life and how she turned around at 51 and didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up.

Holy Crap thats me.
Not so much the what do I want to be but the who do I want to be.
I want to be okay but what does that mean.

This lapbanding mission that I am on is part of it. I know that in my deepest wisdomy bits. I can feel the universe showing me that I am on the right path. It has made it LOUD and CLEAR that this is the right plan for now.

I can feel my body imploding on itself. It is not a happy body right now. There is a lot of pain and I am not coping real well with it. I wake up in the morning more tired than what I felt before I went to bed.

So I am over it....and yet here I am trying to stay in the moment connect with this moment and try to find the lesson and the message of this moment. I know there is a deep compassionate message that I have for myself locked inside me but all I know is the thin me is screaming, GET OFF ME YOU ARE CRUSHING ME...and the fat me is too busy cruching chips to hear.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Sunday 8th June 2008

I thought I would start trying to get the hang of this blog thing. Everyone else has cool stuff on their pages and I want that too but have no idea how.

Anyway here is a photo to get me started.

Grace (8) and Emily (5)
This was Grace's 8th Birthday in Feb this year. God but they are beautiful.

It's the June long weekend and Emily wanted to know why we didn't have to go to school/work tomorrow. I explained to here that it was the Queen's Birthday. SHe asked if we were going. So cute.

Saturday June 7th 2008

My 1st ever blog

The basics: My name is Claire and I am 34 yrs old. On paper I have a fabulous life. No hang on let me re phrase that, it's not just on paper. I do have a fabulous life. I have a wonderful loving supportive husband whom I adore and 2 perfect beautiful daughters who I am in awe of.

But.... and here's the kicker.

I am HUGE FAT OBESE. Not just "hmmm do you think you should be eating that" kind of fat. I am talking blocking out the sun kind of big. Now I don't want to get started on all the fat jokes because let me tell you I know them all. But i just wanted you to get an idea of proportion.
I am 175cm tall and I weigh 166kg so I nearly have a kilo for every centimetre of height. Like I sad fat.

So my head friend (therapist/life coach/voice of reason) has been trying to get me to journal and I think I am finally getting the hang of it. This could be quite an adventure.

So wanna come along for the ride.