Countdown to banding day

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You must be some kind of Superstar

So I had my 2nd fill on Monday on oh boy can i tell the difference. My first fill I had 4mls in could feel it being a little bit tight and I knew it if I ate too fast or too big but this time I only had 1 ml in. It is really tight. I can feel it after a few bites of food. I think I like it. It makes me so much more consciuos of the band and what it is doing.

I kept saying after I PB'd (nearly every coupl of day) that I musn't be too bright but this time it is great. I can know immediately that something is not right. I am too scared to put anything in my mouth for fear it will get stuck so the choices I am making a good choices. Salad for lunch yesterday about 1/3 of a medium serve (plastic container thing) and some chicken. Cheese and crackers for afternoon tea and some pasta for dinner. I spoonfull of pasta and some sauce.

Right now I am having muesli for breakkie at me desk. I am not usre what full feels like. Pleasantly full and I have not gotten to know each other. I have always prefered fulls friend Stuffed or his long lost cousins Bloated and Better (as in MPython Better get a bucket). And here I am now stopping before my stomach screams at me to stop or it is going to explode. Nice. Unusual.

So here we are in the actual restriction phase of band life and i doing ok. I think as in much I my life I think I am going to be a textbook lapbander. Stress tightens my band. Mornings tighten my band. Bread is a no go area. I think I like it whih brings me too the song I am singing. You must be some kind of superstar oh yes you are.

Starting weight 165.8
Previous weight 154 (18th September)
Mondays weigh in 148.9
Total lost 16.9

Lost in a month 5.1kg Oh yeah Oh Yeah oh Yeah

Feeling good sugar feeling good

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Will we ever be ready for what's ahead

The race is on.

Monday is my next fill. I am hoping and praying that I have lost some weight. It seems to have slowed right down. There was a big fall at the beginning but now I don't seem to be noticing changes as much. Maybe that's normal. We will see when I jump on the scales at the Dr's on Monday. Depending on how much weight i've lost and how much they think I should be eating will depend on whether I get another fill.

I think I need one because I seem to be able to eat alot. having send that i seem to puke alot. But usually I can pin that down to eating to fast and not chewing enough and taking big bites. Again not very bright.

So here we stand like a couple of fools and the race is on. I am trying to be so good this week. I really really so desperately want those scales to have gone down on Monday. That will be proof that this whole thing has been worthwhile and that I am on the right track.

Self doubt all over the joint. but self confidence on the rise. I am seriously loving the girls right now. I bought some new bras and the girls are all up high and standing proud and by golly am I flashing them around. Whoa nelly . :)

Should I post a pic???/ heheh Nah Porky Porn ain't my bag.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified but I survived.


And I am back at work.

Now don't get me wrong I love and adore my children but there is a clear reason I am not a stay at home mum. I have utmost respect for those that do stay home full time but I just do NOT have it in me to be there and be square 24/7.

Work for me is a release. It is a place where I can be myself. I also tend to be ...hmm what's the word...not babied but respected and kind of looked after at my work. I don't get that with my kids, if they think I am crap they will let me know there and then. See I am really good at my job and I know it so I am confident. This being a mother thing I am not so sure I am good at and do not have a great deal of confidence that I am doing any good.

So school holidays are hard. but I survived.

Oh and I puked a lot and ate a great deal of rubbish that I probably shouldn't have eaten.

But now I am back at work and I am much more disciplined at work. Aaahhh all the personalitlies that we have. Isn't it funny how we can morph through the day into different characters. Curiouser and curiouser.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Yes you make me feel like a natural women.....grrrrrrrrr

Oh boy did I get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I swear to God almighty that i could have ripped off someones head and shat down their necks and then made coffee to celebrate....except that there was no freaking milk in the house. See this is the thing that gets me. During the week I don't eat breakfast or lunch at home. I eat at work so on the weekends I get really narky when there is no milk or bread because it shits me to tears that the people in the house that do imbibe in those essentials don't either a. tell me to pick some up or b. buy some themselves. GGRRRRR!!!!!!

Now before you get all pedantic on my ass I know it isn't officially the weekend yet but I am now on holidays for a week and today was my first day of my holidays so I wanted some breakie and low and behold no milk. This also meant no coffee. I not person with no coffee. No function.

Plus my girls have been at home with their dad for a week so they were on a serious pay back mission. Lets annoy the crap out of mum today. At one point in time I walked into the kitchen and there was grated cheese all over the floor.They had made themselves lunch made a mess and just left it. It was all I could do not to ring DOCS myself and tell them to come save my girls before their mother cracked it.

So the reason for this anger outburst...hmmm lets look at it. I woke up with a serious drug hang over. I had a migraine for 2 days and last night finally took some mersyndol to try and get rid of it. The problem was I got woken up to early and didn't have time to sleep it off, hence the hangover. Reason a for cranky bitchfest.

Reason B would be hormones...Seriously homicidal maniac has moved in. Beware. I read something once an email joke or something that says something like "You know your scary when you swing you feet out of bed in the morning and Satan shudders and says "Oh No she is awake"

Well this morning Satan not only shuddered he shit himself. Poor bastard.

I seem to be getting really bad PMT over the last couple of months only for a day or so. I used to be able to recognise it when I was being bitchy and say "Oh it must be PMT" and then it would calm down. Now I don't know whether I just used to eat to suppress it and that's why I could control it which of course means now once I recognise it I can't do anything about it which just annoys me more and well you know the rest.

Another reason could be I realised something fairly deep about myself yesterday. I don't deal well with conflict. I come across very up for a fight but I think I do that so people don't want to take me on. Really I am shit scared of conflict so when a situation arises where I have to do battle I don't cope very well. Which is what has happened at work the last couple of days. Admitting that to myself was fairly big but bringing it home and taking it out on my family was not cool. Not cool at all.

So they are my reasons, not trying to justify just explain.

On the band front I puke nearly everyday You would think that I would get the message by now to slow the hell down and not eat big chunks but apparently I am not very bright.

My long suffering but very patient husband advises me that I have eaten this way for 35 years and it may take awhile to relearn new ways. Lets see if this old dog can learn some new tricks. If not I may as well take up humping legs and dragging my arse along the carpet.

And with that I bid you adieu

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I see a red door and I want to paint it black

It's kind of my nature to want things to be different. I think we all have a little of that in us. I have grown my hair long. It has taken me about a year maybe two, now I am think maybe I should get it cut. Pain in the arse having it long, but I know as soon as I get it cut I will want it long. So this time I am NOT going to do that. I am going to enjoy having my hair long.

There are many of these moments throughout my life. I get one thing or do one thing than think it shoulld have been another. I need to just settle. Find a calm place. Settle myself, enjoy this moment. I think it has been hard to do because I haven't really liked myself for so long, I didn't really want to spend time with me. So I am always trying to change something, do something, move something, just so I didn't have to rest with me. Hmmm that's kind of sad really. I am starting to see so many patterns repeated over and over. My hair is just one example. Always trying to reinvent myself, probably trying to find an incarnation that I actually could stand to be around.

I don't even think being overweight was the problem, I think the weight was another attempt at reinvention that got way out of control. The path that this journey has taken me on has been very enlightening. I know everyone has there own road to tread but I would seriously recommend people see some sort of therapy kind of person before or during this process. I don't think I would have any chance of success if I didn't deal with some of my head crap.

Lets be honest there is a reason I ended up at 165 kg. This just doesn't come from nowhere. I am not really ready to put it up for general discussion but let's just say I am a textbook example of what one childhood incident can do to a person.

And yet is it really one incident or are there many muddled together in foggy memories. All rolling and swirling together in my subconscious. Maybe I need to scrapbook them . Take each individual memeory like it was a treasured photo and spend the time pasting it on to it's own page in my mind. Give each memory, the good ones and the painful ones,the time and care that they deserve just because they are me. Covet each one, as a link to who and what I have become. I never really got into the scrapbooking craze but I can just sit, with me, and recognise them. I know it will take time. It's a long process. I don't want to pretty them up, sticking ribbons and shit all over them but I think giving them there place in me rather than trying to crush the bad ones into oblivion would be......settling.

Peace out

Sunday, September 21, 2008

And we all shine on....

I have just updated my blog lists. These are the blogs I read everyday. Seriously these women give me strength, hope and courage.

Some of these chicks deal everyday and yet remain a positive force.

Cat who can make me laugh and bring me to tears in the one breath. Singe mum, autoimmune issues, now a gym junkie, you kick butt.

Myf who is off adventuring, making the band work for her, wearing a wetsuit for crying out loud. You are braver than I Myf, I take my hat off to you.

Kathy who just gets on with it, I don't think I have read one negative word in her blog. She is a soothing influence.

Diz , our American compatriot, she lays her shit on the table then deals with it. cool man very cool.

There are many others who I have looked in on and some I lurk and spy through the window. Not quite game enough to intrude on their worlds yet, but each one has left a message on my spirit. Some scratch deeper with their pens but all are indelible with their sweet words of success giving me hope that I too can some day utter the words "I did it". Sometimes they are stern words at themselves to get over it or get on with it, making me stand up and make sure I am also making every moment count. Sometimes feeling sorry for themselves letting me know that I too can have pity days and that we are all human and therefore fallible. But best of all laughing at themselves and not taking life too seriously, letting me know that I can see the funny side of life and that,my friends, is where it's at.

So thankyou Band and my roadie for without you I may never have gotten to glimpse at these riotous women's lives and let them take a peak at mine. Opening up, letting in, sharing, caring, feeling, hoping for their success as well as mine. I am a "bigger" spirit for the experience.

Thankyou All

The Good, The Bad and The Bubbly

So since my fill on Thursday I have been discovering what goes down, what comes up and what sits around for a while playing Grand ol Duke of York....Neither up nor down.

Here is what I have found so far

Salad ...surprise surprise goes down well. Chew it up which is the hard bit. Chewing a lettuce leaf 49 times is a tad painful but it goes down and stays down.

Bread..not a great friend of mine at the best of times(tends to give me hiccups)is still not a great friend but a small bit chewed up goes down but tends to hang around and if not chewed enough hurts like buggery. Not actual buggery but you know what I mean

Pastry...Bad Very Very Bad. I can not chew astry enough to make it go down. It comes back up again. Which brings me to the account of my 1st PB. At work on Friday trying to eat a pastizzi and it would not go down. It got wedged in there like a fat guy in a plastic outdoor chair on a hot summers day. So I start to drink little sips of water to try and budge it. Well budge it did. I just made it to the bathroom when I literally burped and up it came. It was like burping a big wet bubble and the the mouthful follows. Weird and yet surprisingly comforting. I feel like a proper bandit now.

Other than that I haven't pushed it too far. I am very surprised at how little I can eat. 1 crumpet for breakfast yesterday morning. A couple of spoonfuls of salad and 2 chicken wings for lunch today. My food intake already is half of what I was eating a couple of days ago which had reduced by about a half already what I was eat prebanding. I am shocked, a little worried and very scared.

See the fact is I like eating and I have to say I enjoyed eating vast amounts. I don't like the fact that I ate my way into having an arse the size of QLD but I really enjoy eating..lots. So just a bit sad that I can't eat anymore but you know can't keep stuffing my cake hole and lose the weight. So it's all good Isn't it???

OK this is real now and all is calm