It's kind of my nature to want things to be different. I think we all have a little of that in us. I have grown my hair long. It has taken me about a year maybe two, now I am think maybe I should get it cut. Pain in the arse having it long, but I know as soon as I get it cut I will want it long. So this time I am NOT going to do that. I am going to enjoy having my hair long.
There are many of these moments throughout my life. I get one thing or do one thing than think it shoulld have been another. I need to just settle. Find a calm place. Settle myself, enjoy this moment. I think it has been hard to do because I haven't really liked myself for so long, I didn't really want to spend time with me. So I am always trying to change something, do something, move something, just so I didn't have to rest with me. Hmmm that's kind of sad really. I am starting to see so many patterns repeated over and over. My hair is just one example. Always trying to reinvent myself, probably trying to find an incarnation that I actually could stand to be around.
I don't even think being overweight was the problem, I think the weight was another attempt at reinvention that got way out of control. The path that this journey has taken me on has been very enlightening. I know everyone has there own road to tread but I would seriously recommend people see some sort of therapy kind of person before or during this process. I don't think I would have any chance of success if I didn't deal with some of my head crap.
Lets be honest there is a reason I ended up at 165 kg. This just doesn't come from nowhere. I am not really ready to put it up for general discussion but let's just say I am a textbook example of what one childhood incident can do to a person.
And yet is it really one incident or are there many muddled together in foggy memories. All rolling and swirling together in my subconscious. Maybe I need to scrapbook them . Take each individual memeory like it was a treasured photo and spend the time pasting it on to it's own page in my mind. Give each memory, the good ones and the painful ones,the time and care that they deserve just because they are me. Covet each one, as a link to who and what I have become. I never really got into the scrapbooking craze but I can just sit, with me, and recognise them. I know it will take time. It's a long process. I don't want to pretty them up, sticking ribbons and shit all over them but I think giving them there place in me rather than trying to crush the bad ones into oblivion would be......settling.
Peace out
Countdown to banding day
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
And we all shine on....
I have just updated my blog lists. These are the blogs I read everyday. Seriously these women give me strength, hope and courage.
Some of these chicks deal everyday and yet remain a positive force.
Cat who can make me laugh and bring me to tears in the one breath. Singe mum, autoimmune issues, now a gym junkie, you kick butt.
Myf who is off adventuring, making the band work for her, wearing a wetsuit for crying out loud. You are braver than I Myf, I take my hat off to you.
Kathy who just gets on with it, I don't think I have read one negative word in her blog. She is a soothing influence.
Diz , our American compatriot, she lays her shit on the table then deals with it. cool man very cool.
There are many others who I have looked in on and some I lurk and spy through the window. Not quite game enough to intrude on their worlds yet, but each one has left a message on my spirit. Some scratch deeper with their pens but all are indelible with their sweet words of success giving me hope that I too can some day utter the words "I did it". Sometimes they are stern words at themselves to get over it or get on with it, making me stand up and make sure I am also making every moment count. Sometimes feeling sorry for themselves letting me know that I too can have pity days and that we are all human and therefore fallible. But best of all laughing at themselves and not taking life too seriously, letting me know that I can see the funny side of life and that,my friends, is where it's at.
So thankyou Band and my roadie for without you I may never have gotten to glimpse at these riotous women's lives and let them take a peak at mine. Opening up, letting in, sharing, caring, feeling, hoping for their success as well as mine. I am a "bigger" spirit for the experience.
Thankyou All
Thankyou
Thankyou
Thankyou
Some of these chicks deal everyday and yet remain a positive force.
Cat who can make me laugh and bring me to tears in the one breath. Singe mum, autoimmune issues, now a gym junkie, you kick butt.
Myf who is off adventuring, making the band work for her, wearing a wetsuit for crying out loud. You are braver than I Myf, I take my hat off to you.
Kathy who just gets on with it, I don't think I have read one negative word in her blog. She is a soothing influence.
Diz , our American compatriot, she lays her shit on the table then deals with it. cool man very cool.
There are many others who I have looked in on and some I lurk and spy through the window. Not quite game enough to intrude on their worlds yet, but each one has left a message on my spirit. Some scratch deeper with their pens but all are indelible with their sweet words of success giving me hope that I too can some day utter the words "I did it". Sometimes they are stern words at themselves to get over it or get on with it, making me stand up and make sure I am also making every moment count. Sometimes feeling sorry for themselves letting me know that I too can have pity days and that we are all human and therefore fallible. But best of all laughing at themselves and not taking life too seriously, letting me know that I can see the funny side of life and that,my friends, is where it's at.
So thankyou Band and my roadie for without you I may never have gotten to glimpse at these riotous women's lives and let them take a peak at mine. Opening up, letting in, sharing, caring, feeling, hoping for their success as well as mine. I am a "bigger" spirit for the experience.
Thankyou All
Thankyou
Thankyou
Thankyou
The Good, The Bad and The Bubbly
So since my fill on Thursday I have been discovering what goes down, what comes up and what sits around for a while playing Grand ol Duke of York....Neither up nor down.
Here is what I have found so far
Salad ...surprise surprise goes down well. Chew it up which is the hard bit. Chewing a lettuce leaf 49 times is a tad painful but it goes down and stays down.
Bread..not a great friend of mine at the best of times(tends to give me hiccups)is still not a great friend but a small bit chewed up goes down but tends to hang around and if not chewed enough hurts like buggery. Not actual buggery but you know what I mean
Pastry...Bad Very Very Bad. I can not chew astry enough to make it go down. It comes back up again. Which brings me to the account of my 1st PB. At work on Friday trying to eat a pastizzi and it would not go down. It got wedged in there like a fat guy in a plastic outdoor chair on a hot summers day. So I start to drink little sips of water to try and budge it. Well budge it did. I just made it to the bathroom when I literally burped and up it came. It was like burping a big wet bubble and the the mouthful follows. Weird and yet surprisingly comforting. I feel like a proper bandit now.
Other than that I haven't pushed it too far. I am very surprised at how little I can eat. 1 crumpet for breakfast yesterday morning. A couple of spoonfuls of salad and 2 chicken wings for lunch today. My food intake already is half of what I was eating a couple of days ago which had reduced by about a half already what I was eat prebanding. I am shocked, a little worried and very scared.
See the fact is I like eating and I have to say I enjoyed eating vast amounts. I don't like the fact that I ate my way into having an arse the size of QLD but I really enjoy eating..lots. So just a bit sad that I can't eat anymore but you know can't keep stuffing my cake hole and lose the weight. So it's all good Isn't it???
OK this is real now and all is calm
Here is what I have found so far
Salad ...surprise surprise goes down well. Chew it up which is the hard bit. Chewing a lettuce leaf 49 times is a tad painful but it goes down and stays down.
Bread..not a great friend of mine at the best of times(tends to give me hiccups)is still not a great friend but a small bit chewed up goes down but tends to hang around and if not chewed enough hurts like buggery. Not actual buggery but you know what I mean
Pastry...Bad Very Very Bad. I can not chew astry enough to make it go down. It comes back up again. Which brings me to the account of my 1st PB. At work on Friday trying to eat a pastizzi and it would not go down. It got wedged in there like a fat guy in a plastic outdoor chair on a hot summers day. So I start to drink little sips of water to try and budge it. Well budge it did. I just made it to the bathroom when I literally burped and up it came. It was like burping a big wet bubble and the the mouthful follows. Weird and yet surprisingly comforting. I feel like a proper bandit now.
Other than that I haven't pushed it too far. I am very surprised at how little I can eat. 1 crumpet for breakfast yesterday morning. A couple of spoonfuls of salad and 2 chicken wings for lunch today. My food intake already is half of what I was eating a couple of days ago which had reduced by about a half already what I was eat prebanding. I am shocked, a little worried and very scared.
See the fact is I like eating and I have to say I enjoyed eating vast amounts. I don't like the fact that I ate my way into having an arse the size of QLD but I really enjoy eating..lots. So just a bit sad that I can't eat anymore but you know can't keep stuffing my cake hole and lose the weight. So it's all good Isn't it???
OK this is real now and all is calm
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Fill her up...
I'm all filled up and boy isn't that a pleasant experience. Ya right. Big needle, no aneasthetic. Pain basically but its done for now.
After severely peaking over having a fill done I have 5mls in my band. I already had 1ml in there apparently (Who knew??). Now the real fun starts. I took my first drink of water and it felt like it was bubbling up like when you try to re-fill the hand soap in the bathroom and you get that air bubble and all spills over the top and for the next 3 days the bottle is all soapy. Like that.
Then we were out shopping last night and my husband and I shared a curry. Yes people I had a curry after my fill. Well when I say I had a curry I probably had 10 little mini forkfulls. But it was enough. I am taking my eating very slowly. My dietician told me the hole is now about the size of my thumb nail so nothing is to go in that is bigger than that and I have chew chew chew like the little train that could.
OK well I guess that's it.
What?
What's that?
OHHH you want to know about the weigh in?
Well I guess I could tell you.
Here are the stats.
Preop 165.8kg
DOB 5/8/08 - 161.7kg
Previous Weight 11/8/08 -157kg
Current Weight 18/8/08 - 154kg
So another 3 kilos gone for good. Total 11.8kg
Happy? You better freaking believe I'm happy.
;)
After severely peaking over having a fill done I have 5mls in my band. I already had 1ml in there apparently (Who knew??). Now the real fun starts. I took my first drink of water and it felt like it was bubbling up like when you try to re-fill the hand soap in the bathroom and you get that air bubble and all spills over the top and for the next 3 days the bottle is all soapy. Like that.
Then we were out shopping last night and my husband and I shared a curry. Yes people I had a curry after my fill. Well when I say I had a curry I probably had 10 little mini forkfulls. But it was enough. I am taking my eating very slowly. My dietician told me the hole is now about the size of my thumb nail so nothing is to go in that is bigger than that and I have chew chew chew like the little train that could.
OK well I guess that's it.
What?
What's that?
OHHH you want to know about the weigh in?
Well I guess I could tell you.
Here are the stats.
Preop 165.8kg
DOB 5/8/08 - 161.7kg
Previous Weight 11/8/08 -157kg
Current Weight 18/8/08 - 154kg
So another 3 kilos gone for good. Total 11.8kg
Happy? You better freaking believe I'm happy.
;)
Fill Day
Ok no smart arsey comparisons to a rock band today.
It's my first fill today
I am kind of well....shit scared comes to mind. So now this is the real starting point I think.
After all the healing is done and the mind games have really kicked in , now we need to start actual weight loss. No more waiting for this and that to happen. NOW is the time. And of course I do have my period so that's nice and bloaty too.
Ok and get this. All the old weight watcher weigh in tricks have come back. Making sure I went to the toilet this morning. Not eating or drinking much today. I hate weigh ins after lunch time. Can't they weigh me naked first thing in the morning. It's not like my surgeon hasn't seen most of my bits anyway. Can't he front up to my door and weigh me as I haul my arse out of bed and haven't managed to stuff something in my gob yet? IT"S HARD TO GET GOOD SERVICE THESE DAYS.
So I will post how the fill goes later. Other than that it has been cruisy ...still.
Oh and my husband..through absolutely no trying of his own has managed to loose 4 kilos. I am so proud of him. I am really happy that my reduction of intake has had a positive influence on him. NO BUTS. I am happy for him.
but god or the universe or someone. Hello!! Down here!! Can i have a turn now please!!
It's my first fill today
I am kind of well....shit scared comes to mind. So now this is the real starting point I think.
After all the healing is done and the mind games have really kicked in , now we need to start actual weight loss. No more waiting for this and that to happen. NOW is the time. And of course I do have my period so that's nice and bloaty too.
Ok and get this. All the old weight watcher weigh in tricks have come back. Making sure I went to the toilet this morning. Not eating or drinking much today. I hate weigh ins after lunch time. Can't they weigh me naked first thing in the morning. It's not like my surgeon hasn't seen most of my bits anyway. Can't he front up to my door and weigh me as I haul my arse out of bed and haven't managed to stuff something in my gob yet? IT"S HARD TO GET GOOD SERVICE THESE DAYS.
So I will post how the fill goes later. Other than that it has been cruisy ...still.
Oh and my husband..through absolutely no trying of his own has managed to loose 4 kilos. I am so proud of him. I am really happy that my reduction of intake has had a positive influence on him. NO BUTS. I am happy for him.
but god or the universe or someone. Hello!! Down here!! Can i have a turn now please!!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Slack Arse City - 6 weeks on tour
So here I sit in Slack Arse City. Lost. Bewildered. Slumped in a pay by the hour hotel of complacency and listlessness. My eyes watering from the miasma of my indifference like a pall of cigerette smoke that clings to your skin and hair.
Have I been banded? Is my weight loss under control? Who would know? Not me. I can't tell the difference. I'm still fat. I'm still a walking (just) testament to what 12 thousand calories a day will do to a person when sustained over 35 years. What started off as a world tour of excitement and change and well a fun gig is just barely holding together.
Me and my band don't seem to have got to know each other very well yet. I know the bands here with me. I can feel the roadie high in my gut when I lay down to sleep at night. It still hurts a little when i put pressure on it but it's ok. I know the band is there because I am eating much less than I used too but the after show, the backstage antics have all been a bit meh!!
I was expecting a wild ride like being on tour with Aerosmith or the Stones in their hayday. I was up for the sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was ready to trash a hotel and pull groupies in for orgies with the band. Instead what I got was to be on tour with the freakin Osmonds. This band is so bloody boring that the Queen herself would will some too bite the head off a chicken just to liven it up a bit.
So I get my first fill next Thursday. Maybe I can go in there like I am scoring for the band. Pretend to smuggle some cocaine out under my jacket (do you even do that with cocaine??) I dunno. Not ever been one for smack. Bourbon is more my bag. Moving on.
Hopefully after that the fun will start. The weight will start to come off and we can kick off the next leg of the tour with some serious freaking attitude.
Now retrospectively I mean it hasn't been a bad tour, we went through Liquidtown with neer a difficulty. I got sick of the food in Liquidtown, all they eat there man is soup. Soup, cup a soup, soup in a can, occasionally you'd get an up and go or maybe some yoghurt but seriously dude they should have called the place Soup City. Next we moved on to Mushiville. After Liquidtown I was ready for some real food, and Mushiville didn't let me down. They do an awesome risotto there and not a bad mac and cheese. I also discovered in Mushiville that pizza was on the menu, not great heaps of it mind you but once every coupld of weeks me and the band would order a pizza in and well it would be ok.
So now we are headed towards SolidCity after this rather dreary stop here in Slack Arse City with a quick stop over in Fill-iton.
I am trying to keep the band healthy and so far we haven't put on weight according to the scales but new bras might be in order soon.
I guess it hasn't been a bad run so far. Maybe a big night on the town might be just what the tour manager ordered bastard that he is. Paid him his cut and haven't heard from him in awhile.
Ok so will try and keep everything moving forwards. Will try and blog more often and will try and lift my slumpy, self indulgent, sooky mood.
Love to All
Claire
Have I been banded? Is my weight loss under control? Who would know? Not me. I can't tell the difference. I'm still fat. I'm still a walking (just) testament to what 12 thousand calories a day will do to a person when sustained over 35 years. What started off as a world tour of excitement and change and well a fun gig is just barely holding together.
Me and my band don't seem to have got to know each other very well yet. I know the bands here with me. I can feel the roadie high in my gut when I lay down to sleep at night. It still hurts a little when i put pressure on it but it's ok. I know the band is there because I am eating much less than I used too but the after show, the backstage antics have all been a bit meh!!
I was expecting a wild ride like being on tour with Aerosmith or the Stones in their hayday. I was up for the sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was ready to trash a hotel and pull groupies in for orgies with the band. Instead what I got was to be on tour with the freakin Osmonds. This band is so bloody boring that the Queen herself would will some too bite the head off a chicken just to liven it up a bit.
So I get my first fill next Thursday. Maybe I can go in there like I am scoring for the band. Pretend to smuggle some cocaine out under my jacket (do you even do that with cocaine??) I dunno. Not ever been one for smack. Bourbon is more my bag. Moving on.
Hopefully after that the fun will start. The weight will start to come off and we can kick off the next leg of the tour with some serious freaking attitude.
Now retrospectively I mean it hasn't been a bad tour, we went through Liquidtown with neer a difficulty. I got sick of the food in Liquidtown, all they eat there man is soup. Soup, cup a soup, soup in a can, occasionally you'd get an up and go or maybe some yoghurt but seriously dude they should have called the place Soup City. Next we moved on to Mushiville. After Liquidtown I was ready for some real food, and Mushiville didn't let me down. They do an awesome risotto there and not a bad mac and cheese. I also discovered in Mushiville that pizza was on the menu, not great heaps of it mind you but once every coupld of weeks me and the band would order a pizza in and well it would be ok.
So now we are headed towards SolidCity after this rather dreary stop here in Slack Arse City with a quick stop over in Fill-iton.
I am trying to keep the band healthy and so far we haven't put on weight according to the scales but new bras might be in order soon.
I guess it hasn't been a bad run so far. Maybe a big night on the town might be just what the tour manager ordered bastard that he is. Paid him his cut and haven't heard from him in awhile.
Ok so will try and keep everything moving forwards. Will try and blog more often and will try and lift my slumpy, self indulgent, sooky mood.
Love to All
Claire
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