Countdown to banding day

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Not much too say....

I have found today that I don't have much to say so I thought I would let some other people have a say....

I thought I would share some of the words to songs etc that I really love. They are not necessarily profound but they have touched me or I just like the melody or whatever.

So the 1st one is a song I have had stuck in my head for days. It is Don McLean's Castles in the Air and here are my favourite lines from it.

"And if she asks you why, you can tell her that I told you
That I’m tired of castles in the air.
I’ve got a dream I want the world to share
And castle walls just lead me to despair"

But the line I really love is " How can words express the feel of sunlight in the morning" aaahhh Don. If I could put your words into Anthony Warlows voice with George Clooney looks by God you would be the perfect man.

Ok So my next one is Meatloaf. Yes I know from Don McLean to Meatloaf. What is this girl. Insane. No just eclectic.

So Meatloaf "Paradise by the Dashboard light." This whole song evokes so many fun memories of my teenage years. It is cool, very cool. Meatloaf my friend you Rock. Even with a Zimmer frame you rock.

I have just decided that I love music. If I had no music in my life I think I would prefer to die....Oh OH Don again....Bye Bye Miss American pie drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry..them good ol boys were drinking whiskey and rye...Singing this will be the day that I die. The day the music died.

Imagine a life without singing and music and feeling uplifted and the joy that music can bring. I so wish I had learnt an instrument or something. Is is too late? Am I too old to start? What about some singing lessons. Or maybe...oh I know and african drumming workshop thing. Oh I would love that. So cool and earthy and tribal. Fun fun. Ok I have to look into that.

I would love to be so talented that you could write words down and they would touch someone in a way that would stay with them forever like a song writer or a poet does. Imagine being able to transpose a single thought into a melody that people hum, or dance too at their wedding or sing to their babies. Artists gotta love them.

So that's my post today. I am off to bug the office with my singing. Gotta practice I have convinced the boss to order karaoke for the christmas party. he he. Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti.....

If I think of any more I will add them on

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Flu and the trouble with my pants


How can one person excrete so much snot. It is remarkable.

Oh and not just the flu but bam there you go have TTOM as well.
This morning I went to Coles and bought 5 industrial size packets of cough lollies, a box of man size tissues and 2 boxes of tampons. The woman at the register said " How are you today?" Look in my basket you silly cow, How the hell do you think I am today. Whatever. Stick a bloody fork in me cause I am done.

And then there is the trouble with my pants. Look I know I have an arse the size of a barn but really could I just have 1 pair of pants that stays made. My good jeans, zipper split, my rough jeans- scruffy hems, my brown work pants - missing button, hole at the base of zip, black work pants - tiny hole near seam white knickers show through, stone coloured jeans - missing button. The only pants I have that haven't let me down yet - trackies. Problem with trackies - can't wear to work. Sigh.

Now if I was in the right thinking kind of mind, I could just say to myself -" wear a skirt, solves the pant issue" problem with skirts is, legs and the need for hair removal. Life is...... life.

Blue today.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Live for those perfect hours

Have you ever noticed that life as we know is not perfect but as you are trudging through the quagmire of everyday minutiae we are granted those perfect moments. Today I had 1 perfect hour. In a day filled with head colds, grocery shopping with children and my husband (uurrrgg), doing washing, stopping the squabbling, cooking meals etc etc the universe granted me 1 truely perfect hour.

Let me share.

The Bear started off the day bugging her big sister most terribly, and after a discussion with her we decided to head off to the park too burn off some of her excess energy...but first the fruit and veg shopping. So into a bag I chucked a veggie peeler, a knife, some plates etc and off we went, bought our fruit and veg for the week and then too the park.

Once there the girls ran off to play , while I chopped up some fruit, peeled a carrot and some celery and got out some salsa. Paul and I sat in the beautiful sunshine and the girls came and went snacking on some good healthy food in between swinging and monkey bars. We were down by the river ( nice spot in downtown Penrith). After morning tea Paul and I just sat and cuddled while the girls ran and played and just enjoyed the time we spent there. My 1 perfect hour. Just lovely. A time I will treasure in my memory and something I am planning to try and recreate on a regulare basis.

On a day where channel 9 has bombarded us with stories on the sexualisation of children, and on the week were Australia has officially become the world's fatest national..I took my little girls to a park to run and play and get dirty and eat fruit and vegies and just be my little girls. I felt a peace. I felt like I was being an excellent mother and wife. I felt good.

Of course the universe likes to keep us real and my 1 pefect hour ended in typical fashion.
Bear hurt herself on the swing and the 3rd day of my not going to the tiolet because of the amount of codeine I ave been taking finally caught up with me and I barely made it home before disaster struck and my perfect hour ended with a lot of groaning and moaning and lots of glen 20 :)

Sorry for the grossness but you know if I am going to share with you, you have to get the whole story.

So treasure the moments that you get, deal with the crap when it hits and live life in the best way possible.

Oh and by the way I've lost 5 kilos on self inflicted optifast 1 meal a day. Life is pretty good today.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My girls

The fabric of my heart quilt, Grace and Emily.

It just takes one little thing...BOOM crash and burn


I feel like screaming. I am so angry. Ok so here is the story

I got accussed on Tuesday of cheating in the footy tipping competition by a work colleague. I run it but am not "in" it. I don't tip. So anyway I got accussed of changing the rules half way in to benefit another colleague. OK. I know petty and pathetic but there it is.

I got really upset, felt like I had to get McDonalds, then did my self talk...can you change how he thinks, speaks, feels and ok so the only person you can control is you, do you have a clear conscious.. yes ok so don't let him be the reason that you put crap into your body. I wasn't hungry, I talked myself round, I talked it out with P over dinner that night. All good right.


That was Tuesday. Wednesday...Day long binge. Can't get it out of my head. I am trying to be a duck (eckhart tolle reference) flap my wings and get rid of the excess anger, energy etc but this duck just ain't flapping, this duck is an angry angry bird. This duck wants to cook somebody's goose.. hehe that's funny cook a goose. Anyway. So after starting off today in binge mode I am trying to pull it into line. I don't want to be affected in this way by other people. I need to not let it bother me so much. AAHAAAHHHHHHH so hard so very very (not allowed to say hard because if you think it will be hard will be hard) ok so very very different to not let my emotions be tangled by outside influences.


I am a duck ...flap flap
I am a duck...flap flap
Duck's don't eat bacon and egg mcmuffins flap flap
Ducks love being healthy

Hang on ducks like hot wait that's seagulls
I am a duck...flap flap

Monday, June 16, 2008

It's my party and I'll cry if i want too...or not

Yesterday 16th June was my 35th birthday. I am not having an age crisis but feel I should be according to comments. I feel like I have reached the age where people expect me to be "wierd" about my age and I am not. I am really happy with 35, it's my last fat birthday and i fell like I am getting to the point where I am comfortable with me and who I am.

It has taken some work. For example on Sunday night I realised for the first time, truely realised wholly and fully that 95% of the dissapointments in my life are caused by my expectations of people and them not living up to them hence the disapointment. Now here's the thing, I believe that I have too high expectations of people so that that they can't possibly live up to them and will of course let me down. Then I can go through the I'm obviously not worthy, not lovable etc cycle and reward, medicate and make myself generally feel better with food.

So my mission this week is to meet people where they are and to try not to put my expectations and my standards on other people. Hmm a tough call, not so much hard as different.

Happy 35th Birthday to me last fat birthday bring on 36 I feel a party coming on.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Goodbye My Old Friend

I am on serious countdown to banding day. I think today I have about 7 weeks to go so I am saying goodbye to all my old friends.

Today I said goodbye to Krispy Kreme donuts. Thank you old friend for the little fluffy donutty clouds of sugary sweetness that have been my occasional companion for quite a few yrs now.

We say goodbye today over 1 original glazed and a mocha chiller blend. AAhh it was nice knowing you kid but I have a feeling you and my new best friend "the band" are not going to get along very well so here we must part ways. I cringe over how your sickly sticky white floury sugar lump will get stuck in my chest and badger me for hours so, so long and thanks for all the fish.

**sniff sniff**

Ah well thank god I haven't said good bye to Doritos yet or there would be some issue.

It's funny how I have used food to medicate myself. When I say funny I don't mean in the ha ha what a laugh kind of way, I mean funny in the I have medicated myself to 166 kilos what a psycho thing to do kind of way. Food has always been my friend, I can eat till it hurts and then eat some more. I have figured out with some help from my head friend that it's my suppression technique. I eat because I think it's rebellion.

But if I am honest I eat to strengthen my wall. That shield, that armour that protects me from the big bad nasty world. What I have been working on lately is actually feeling what the world brings in and if thats hurts well then so be it. It's not easy though, I have 24 years of protection to bring down. A wall away from the world to protect me and my emotions from all the hurt and the anger and the scariness and all the "why me's" that i have ever said or felt. Why me , well because you are fat of course.

Isn't it a crock what we say to ourselves everyday. Out internal dialogue that says "You deserve to be this way because you are bad or not good enough". And its starts when we are a child, something will happen to us that we carry with us and it makes us believe something so deep seeded about ourselves we carry it around like a backpack for years and years.......

Until you meet someone who makes you question that intrinsic belief about yourself, that you may never have questioned or even realised you believed until then. And then your world comes apart and you start to rebuild it piece by piece to make it better, make new choices, believe something different about yourself. Believe that you deserve to be good to yourself and to treat yourself with dignity and respect, and dare I say it, to love yourself.

So I work on loving me. Claire, I say"I love you" and somedays I ignore it and brush it off and eat soemthing to make the hurt go away but

Somedays, more frequently lately it makes me smile and strengthens my new protection which I like to picture as a quilt, to warm and comfort. Sewn with loving hands by those who also want to love and protect and keep me warm, sewn by me to wrap around myself, much less harmful than a suit of armour. Sewn by my girls and my husband who don't know that everyday they add tiny stitches to my quilt just by being anf loving.

Claire i say "I love you" and somedays I believe it.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

When did we forget how to laugh?

Yesterday at work I took some pain killers (having some issues with my back and neck) and so went a little loopy and well a bit giggly. Kind of like a 9 yr old boy when someone says boob or poo.

My colleagues thought I was demented.

So my question is when did we forget how to laugh and just giggle and be a tad moronic? and then my 8 yr old the beautiful and talented Miss Grace waltzs in being a bit of a...I want to say bimbo but that doesn't fit with Grace at all but lets just say silly and I tell her to stop being ridiculous and get ready for dancing. Come on. Hurry.. We Don't have time for this silliness. And lo and behold there is my answer. When did we forget how to laugh and act ridiculous?, when our mothers, teachers, colleagues, husbands, friends and ourselves told us we don't have time for this and looked at us like we were heading for the institution.

So my mission today is not to care what people think about the silliness, I plan on being free and I will take Miss Grace along for the ride.

Now where are those pain meds............

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

So Over it...and yet living the moment

June 12th 2008

So was watching Oprah yesterday. Yes I am fan. I am good with it.
Maria Shriver was on talking about her life and how she turned around at 51 and didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up.

Holy Crap thats me.
Not so much the what do I want to be but the who do I want to be.
I want to be okay but what does that mean.

This lapbanding mission that I am on is part of it. I know that in my deepest wisdomy bits. I can feel the universe showing me that I am on the right path. It has made it LOUD and CLEAR that this is the right plan for now.

I can feel my body imploding on itself. It is not a happy body right now. There is a lot of pain and I am not coping real well with it. I wake up in the morning more tired than what I felt before I went to bed.

So I am over it....and yet here I am trying to stay in the moment connect with this moment and try to find the lesson and the message of this moment. I know there is a deep compassionate message that I have for myself locked inside me but all I know is the thin me is screaming, GET OFF ME YOU ARE CRUSHING ME...and the fat me is too busy cruching chips to hear.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Sunday 8th June 2008

I thought I would start trying to get the hang of this blog thing. Everyone else has cool stuff on their pages and I want that too but have no idea how.

Anyway here is a photo to get me started.

Grace (8) and Emily (5)
This was Grace's 8th Birthday in Feb this year. God but they are beautiful.

It's the June long weekend and Emily wanted to know why we didn't have to go to school/work tomorrow. I explained to here that it was the Queen's Birthday. SHe asked if we were going. So cute.

Saturday June 7th 2008

My 1st ever blog

The basics: My name is Claire and I am 34 yrs old. On paper I have a fabulous life. No hang on let me re phrase that, it's not just on paper. I do have a fabulous life. I have a wonderful loving supportive husband whom I adore and 2 perfect beautiful daughters who I am in awe of.

But.... and here's the kicker.

I am HUGE FAT OBESE. Not just "hmmm do you think you should be eating that" kind of fat. I am talking blocking out the sun kind of big. Now I don't want to get started on all the fat jokes because let me tell you I know them all. But i just wanted you to get an idea of proportion.
I am 175cm tall and I weigh 166kg so I nearly have a kilo for every centimetre of height. Like I sad fat.

So my head friend (therapist/life coach/voice of reason) has been trying to get me to journal and I think I am finally getting the hang of it. This could be quite an adventure.

So wanna come along for the ride.