Countdown to banding day

Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday on my mind

It's late friday night. Late by my standards anyway. I usually get up around 5 so in bed about 9pm. Its about 10:30. I am on my hmmm 5th glass of wine. I thought I was sharing the bottle with P but I realised on my 3rd that he was actually drinking bourbon. So this post comes to you slightly giggly and needing to pee every 10mins.

Today as you may have noticed by the wine intake, I am not paying to much attention to the diety side of things.I did really well at work I ate my mandarin at morning tea while everyone else inhaled party pies and caramel tea cake but a few glasses of wine may not be optifast approved. Not overly concerned. 10 days to go till op. I am kind of getting in a few last minute no no's so my post today might be a bit random and jump around a bit. My head generally works like that. I can be thinking of one thing and then go off on a tangent and get sidetracked. Stay with me, we will get there in the end.

I had a conversation with my head friend today that went something like this

Me: I need your opinion on something
Her: OK shoot
Me:These mental people you deal with...
Her: Yep
Me: If they are like completely mental and go off their meds, then they kill someone, they go to court, argue diminished resposnsibility due to being mental and they get off.
Her: Sometimes yes
Me: OK so someone who has used the same medication for 24 yrs (ie food) goes off their meds and kills someone, can they then claim diminished responsibity?
Her: UUMM no?
Her: Who do you want to kill?

hehehe. Agression and I are old friends. I long to be calmer but it is very much and untravelled road, and there is some old saying about an untravelled road has rougher cobble stones that hurt your feet more.....something like that.

Ok so now I have a bottle of wine in me. Kids and husband in bed and the house is quiet. I love this time of the day.

What should I blog about. What do I want to say. So much and yet I dunno. Should we revisit the toilet phobia. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson. It wouldn't be the 1st time. Remind me some time(maybe when I am sober) to tell blog the toll booth story. It will freak you out.

Or should we revisit my mother issues. Which would be interesting right now seeing as she had my kids last week for the school holidays and I came home 75% of the time to pick them up and Oh wait lo and behold they have cooked a cake. Talk about sabotage.

Ok maybe lets go there for a bit. Sabotage. I do enough of it myself without her helping me along. Seriously she had my kids for 7 days and 4 days there was a cake or caramel friggin slice cooked. The days there was no cake the biscuit tin was promptly dropped in my lap the moment I arrived (proud of myslef for not partaking). This is an issue I have had with my mother for a LOOOOONNG time. She is o/weight I am o/weight and she seems to like making a competition out of it. I didn't tell her about the band until I was booked in and it was a done deal because at the time she had just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had lost loads of weight. She was doing really well and I was really pleased for her but I didn''t need the old "Well I can do it without surgery, why can't you"

She always seems to make our weight loss efforts into a competition. Since I was young this has been going on. Of course clarity has only come to me recently and I can see her sabotage and disparaging comments for what they really are...Fear, Fear that I will be smaller than her. Fear that the one person she can always rely on to be bigger than here hence making her look small is not going to be there any more. I know in my heart that she wants me to be happy and healthy, I know that she would never wish me ill health or sadness in my life....

I also know they she would do anything to get to a healthy weight before me. I think my surgery has her freaked out. And I have come to realise at age 35 that it is ok for her to be freaked.That is not my issue. I can take her support when it is offered but I can leave her sabotage with her. And the week just gone when she had the girls that is exactly what I did. I can understand that her sabotage of my efforts is her fear not mine, it is her journey not mine, I do not have to play that game, I do not have to eat cake just becasue it was cooked by children in my honour. I can marvel at my girls passion for cooking without partaking in the chocolate frosted heart attack they have baked for me.

Mothers are complicated. I love my mum, but she has failed me in so many ways. As an enlightened adult I need to learn to seperate the love I Have for my mother and the disappointment I feel at her having let me down along the way. I believe that she did the best she knew how to do at the time but am I okay in saying " You know what woman sometimes your best wasn't good enough" I am sure that I stumble sometimes on my motherhood journey. I think sometimes I should be contributing regularly to a therapy fund for my girls for when they get older. The trick is to see her as a human being who has failings and yet here I sit, all growed up. Successful? Who can judge. Happy? Learning what that means. Healthy? Approaching with caution. Wise? I like to think so. Peaceful? Within the realm of possibility. Loved? Hell yes. Loving? With all my heart.

So who takes credit for thar. Me or Her
Maybe a bit of both with a lot of help from my heart quilt. There are those that have taught me to love, and I am good at that. I have enough room in my heart for all that need a place. But is there enough room in that loving heart for the fat girl? The girl who needs a bit of extra room just to get her arse in the door?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


The last couple of days have been hard really really hard.

Let me spill

We have rolled out a new software system at work. It is so completely foreign but after 3 weeks I think I am finally understanding a little, but it is quite stressful, next week I have to train my offsider to do my job while I am away having my band done. Talk about the blind leading the blind. We are also doing price changes on all our products so everything has to be costed properly and then all the prices need to be updated. What day does this need to start 4th August what day am I getting banded? 5th August. The girls are back at school, which also means back to dancing so they are tired and grouchy, it's ttom so my hormones are completely out of whack, in about 11 days time I am having the op and it is freaking me out. Other than getting married and having the girls this is the biggest life changing decision I have made.

So here I am, I am stressed at work, and quite frankly am a bit over it. I am tired, scared, emotional, freaked, and my one comfort. The one way that I have medicated myself for the last 35 years has been taken away from me.

I think I might just cry, or yell or throw something. I JUST WANT TO EAT.

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Band by any other name

I am ignoring my mother issues for now all though I did discuss my HUGE toilet phobia with my head friend yesterday. Basically it comes down to this... I am now on full blown optifast. What is optifast full of. Lactose. What at age 35 have I discovered I have an intolerance for? Lactose.

Outcome.... Big issues with a toilet phobia. I usually don't go anywhere but home...and I mean anywhere. I have held on for 3 days at my inlaws before I finally had to go and then I made P go in straight afterme so nobody knew I had gone. Anyway moving on

So I have been reading on the lapband forums that people name their bands. I thought I might like to name mine ...when I get it. I couldn't think of anything I liked but I thought of a name for the port. I am naming my port Pete. I think Pete is a good name for a Roadie and as we all know the roadie travels with guessed it the roadie travels with the band...hehehe I still think that is funny even after 24 hrs it's making me chuckle.

So this morning in the shower I was still trying to come up with names for the band. And here it is...wait for it.

Jimmy Choo and the Shakers.


Cracks me up. So I was telling P this morning about my bands name and I said I wish my stomach would settle down (lactose intolerance again) and I said it is like having a pack of teeange groupies rushing the stage. hehe. Full of something. I'd like to think wit but think it might be shit.

So there you are I have named the band and..... Pete the Roadie.

So other than that all is good. We are still on countdown. 2 weeks to go today. I am about 8 kilos down but just starting ttom so not sure if that is accurate or not.

I need 1 last steak before I get banded and 1 more pizza night. It is hard to stay focused on the opticrap when you know that last drinks have been called. I am having good days and bad as far as emotions go. I am working through them as they come up and feel like at least 75% of the time I am doing the right thing. So we are still travelling.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A sure fire cure

Would be nice... For hiccups

No seriously I kid you not I have had the hiccups for an hour. It has taken me 2 minutes to log in and write the 1st line because I had to keep deleting and retyping because I was hiccuping and typing the wrong thing.

This sucks. I know what casued it too. Bread. Had casserole for dinner and had a small amount of afghan bread to soak up the bit of sauce in the bottom of the bowl and here we are an hour later in hiccup city.

I wonder if bread does this to anyone else. I seem to get the hiccups evertime I eat bread. I don't think it helps that I eat really fast. Which of course brings up another question. How do I slow down my eating?If I scoff this fast with the band I will be yawning the technicolour rainbow all over the joint. I have always eaten fast. It was the quick and the dead at my house growing up. You didn't eat fast you missed out if there was a second helping and if you ate too slow the kitchen was closed for dessert by the time you were finished. Not to mention that the vultures would be circling to eat what was left on your plate. It was like feeding time at the zoo. Like those litters of little piggies, that you see crawling all over the mummy pig, god forbid they let go of the nipple cause that's it for you piggy, your fat little brother will push you over the hill and you have to run around and get back in line. Well in my house the kitchen was the mother pig and the chocolate topping bottle was the teat.

And let me tell you it's not like we had the world's greatest chef cooking for us either. I will be honest my mothers cooking left well a little to be desired.. namely taste. To be fair give my mother a complex recipe for a 12 course banquet and you are laughing yum diddly o. But give her something everyday and she wasn't too crash hot. There were a few famous incidents.....

Stuffed Eggplant - now let me take you back to the early80's when eggplant wasn't a very common veg, especially in a western suburbs lower income household. But she wanted to give it a go. She bought 3 . cut the tops off. Hollowed out the insides and threw that away????? and then stuffed them with a can of 3 bean mix, put some melted cheese over the top. Needless to say that was foul. No really, just foul. I think this was one of the few times i wasn't forced to eat everything on my plate.

Oh then there was curry that turned the white plastic spoon yellow. A vibrant shade of yellow. I think this happened when I was maybe 13 or 14. When I moved out at 22 the spoon was still yellow.

Ok I know, there was the spag bol that was a vibrant pink colour due to being watered down so much and bulked up with baked beans. Hello.

All in all she didn't do to badly, she made the budget and the meals stretch which couldn't have been easy, and I ended up here at 165kg so I must of eaten what she cooked. And these days when you go for a meal it is usually pretty good, but some memorable moments were had at our dinner table.

I have taken some of the things that I believed contributed to me being 165kg and toned them down at my dinner table now though. My girls don't have to eat everything on their plates and they are not forced to eat anything they don't like. There is a balance between healthy food and junk and they eat regularly throughout the day. Dessert is not an everyday thing but when we have it everyone is offered some, you don't have to eat all your dinner to get dessert. Nobody eats from anyone elses plate. P is the biggest culprit for doing this especially when the girls have knocked up and there are still roast potatoes on thier plates. I stop him and try and explain where I am coming from on this point. So we get by. And I think we do ok.

I haven't yet told my girls to go wrap the chicken in toilet paper and put it in the fridge to cook (a famous mother quote) but I am sure that I will say something equally dumb and they will require some therapy and maybe a blog to see some of the funny side to their childhoods.

I think I may have just opened a can of worms. I think you may be hearing a lot more about my relationship with my mother as we get closer to banding day. It is complex, as I am sure people can relate. It needs some thought......

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Catch up time

Ok So it is Monday 14th July and time to catch up with what's been going on

I saw the anaesthetist last Monday and he was very happy with all the results of my tests, xrays etc. So all good there. Then on Friday I saw both the dietician and the surgeon. These appointments went really well. I am on optifast officially now 2 meals a day. I have kind of weened myself onto them over the last month. I started having 1 meal a day then about 2 weeks ago i upped it to the 2 a day but was still able to eat if I need to. Well now we have started playing for real. Optifast 2 meals a day, 1 low cal meal for the 3rd meal, I can also have 2 cups of vegies and 1 small piece of fruit. Renee also said that I could put some berries in my vanilla optifast and she wouldn't have a problem with that.

P and I have discussed how we are going to handle the liquid phase.Over the next couple of weeks I will make a few casseroles and then churn them up to a thin soup and put them in the freezer. P is having a few problems getting his head around it all at the moment. I think up to this point it hasn't much affect on him but now he is required to step up a little. Renee (the dietician) asked me if he was supportive. My response was he couldn't be more supportive, if anything I need to toughen him up a bit. I think obese people (or it just me) can be very manipulative. I can get him to bring me anything I want. 9pm at night and I want ice cream he will go get it for me. I am going to take him along to the next appt with Renee so that he is fully cognizant of what I am allowed to eat and what I am not. This is a family venture here. All in the boat together.

So as far as the banding goes we are on track for the 5th August. I have forms etc for the hospital and just need to do the admission and buy some stuff for after the op.

I am getting really excited now. Did I mention before that I had bought my Christmas dress (2 actually) 2 sizes 2 small, also my best friend gave me a gift voucher for me birthday so I am going to use that to buy my 1st "normal" jeans (you know from jeans west or somewhere like that).

For the 1st time in my life I feel like I have an actual hope of being thin(ish). I am starting to be able to visualise what I will look like under the padding. I am starting to understand that I can be a thin person. I am not my weight, I am not a figure on a scale. My weight does not define who I am. I am writing myself a new map of reality. This path is different to any I have been on before. I think the flowers will smell just as sweet over this new side of the fence but my back won't hurt leaning down to smell them and my knees won't ache traipsing through the field to get to them.

So all in all I am good. Excited, anticipatory, a little nervous but in good spirits. Bring it on

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Today the fun begins....or guilt in its many forms

So today I have my appointment with the anaesthetist who will be doing my band. Then on Friday I am going back to see Dr Cregan and have my 1st appointment with the dietician (don't know her name yet).

As is shown by my groovy little ticker thing it is only 29 days to go, the Dr's appointments have started cropping up and things are starting to pickup pace. Add to that school holidays, parent teacher interviews, birthdays coming out of our blow holes, a new software system at work, performance reviews etc etc, life is just one big ball of hectic at the moment.

I took some time on Friday to talk to my head friend. It is such a comfort to be able to say what is on my mind and have someone ask me questions and make me answer them instead of avoiding issues.

One of the things I have been dealing with which is getting harder to cope with as we get closer to banding day is the associated guilt I feel with having the operation. I have made the decision to get banded and am good with that decision. There is no question in my mind that this is not only the best solution for me but also for my family. This will take us along a different path than we might otherwise have followed. BUT......

There is this little voice in my head that says,"Hang on there just a minute lovey. You got your fat arse into this mess and now you expect everyone else to bail you out". The money, the time, the emotions, all the various ups and downs, and changes that I will be going through have a price. And I am asking those around me to pay that price. Ah and here is the clincher it all comes down to this. Am I worth the price?

On my darker days I would tell you no. Just let me go, Let me fall into the abyss, let me die alone under the weight of my own self. Just let me go.

But they are my darker days, and now I am trying to let the light through. I try everyday to come out of the shadows of my obesity. Am I worth the price that I am asking them to pay? Yes. Yes. Yes I am.

Guilt is useless but it has a place in my head. The game is to let it have it's moment and then put it back to bed. When it raises it head, acknowledge the guilt in that moment,"thanks for coming" I see you are here. Bye Bye for now.
Can I use that emotion as a motivator instead of a heart stopper. Can I say yes there is a price to pay so lets step up and make sure we are all getting what we paid for. Can I turn this crippling feeling of having committed an offense into a positive, action inspiring, push towards my goals. Can I?

Course I can, I am woman, I can do anything I put my mind too.....just you watch me.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Weighty Issues

My weight has now gone back up again. I had lost 7 kilos but now it has jumped back up looking like I have only lost about 4. This is a real issue for me because my biggest justification for self sabotage is that nothing is happening anyway.

Over the years I have done myself in over and over again when I have been really trying and the weight just won't budge.

But then..... in a moment of clarity ("ping" the lightbulb just went on)...have I really been trying that hard. Oh don't get me wrong I am having my optifast and cutting down my portion sizes and letting EVERYONE know how hard it is to be on the optifast and woe is me, poor me....oh please can I have some chocolate because seriously I only get to eat 1 meal a day....booo bloody hoo.

Now for the reality of yesterday. Yes 1 had my shake for breakfast. Chinese with fried rice takeaway for lunch, sucked on butter menthols all day, got home had some corn chips and salsa, then a couple of tim tams, then a couple of forkfuls of pasta salad, P gets home "Oh no honey I am not eating I have already had my 1 meal for the day"I say so innocently, cough splutter cough.... then 2 english muffins about 9pm because I was STARVING....Not likely.. Oh and an icecream in there too.. So really honestly.


Pick up your end game woman. This is not a dress rehersal. This is your freaking life you are messing with here. You get banded in a month and you are still playing this stupid game. GET REAL. GET IT TOGETHER. COME ON.

No more of this poor me crap. I got myself into this. Only I can get myself out and this has too stop. TODAY here and now. Stop the sook. Stop the crap. Stop the self flagellation. Stop giving yourself excuses to keep eating and treating your body with disrespect, treating yourself with disrespect. You are worthy, you are worth it. You will, can and must lead a life of self respect.
Serve yourself with love instead of food.