My weight has now gone back up again. I had lost 7 kilos but now it has jumped back up looking like I have only lost about 4. This is a real issue for me because my biggest justification for self sabotage is that nothing is happening anyway.
Over the years I have done myself in over and over again when I have been really trying and the weight just won't budge.
But then..... in a moment of clarity ("ping" the lightbulb just went on)...have I really been trying that hard. Oh don't get me wrong I am having my optifast and cutting down my portion sizes and letting EVERYONE know how hard it is to be on the optifast and woe is me, poor me....oh please can I have some chocolate because seriously I only get to eat 1 meal a day....booo bloody hoo.
Now for the reality of yesterday. Yes 1 had my shake for breakfast. Chinese with fried rice takeaway for lunch, sucked on butter menthols all day, got home had some corn chips and salsa, then a couple of tim tams, then a couple of forkfuls of pasta salad, P gets home "Oh no honey I am not eating I have already had my 1 meal for the day"I say so innocently, cough splutter cough.... then 2 english muffins about 9pm because I was STARVING....Not likely.. Oh and an icecream in there too.. So really honestly.
ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME.
Pick up your end game woman. This is not a dress rehersal. This is your freaking life you are messing with here. You get banded in a month and you are still playing this stupid game. GET REAL. GET IT TOGETHER. COME ON.
No more of this poor me crap. I got myself into this. Only I can get myself out and this has too stop. TODAY here and now. Stop the sook. Stop the crap. Stop the self flagellation. Stop giving yourself excuses to keep eating and treating your body with disrespect, treating yourself with disrespect. You are worthy, you are worth it. You will, can and must lead a life of self respect.
Serve yourself with love instead of food.
IT ENDS NOW
Countdown to banding day
2 comments:
Hey Claire,
Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you'll find a lot of bandits struggle with the optifast stage and not cheating and snacking. It's very much last meal syndrome. I was terrible.
You also need to realise that you won't change overnight even when you have the band. You'll still want cornchips and salsa and chocolate, but eventually you'll get good restriction and you won't be able to eat so much - and if nothing else it will limit what you can eat. And then hopefully eventually your head will catch up with your body and you'll be doing fine.
Take it easy. Be kind to yourself.
Cat (who still has the bloody flu)
hello,
don't beat yourself up over it !! opti sucks, being pre-op sucks.. but nothing sucks as much as the post op diet. i was banded in february and i cheated all through the opti pre-op stage and the liquids post op stage.. and the optifast thing pre surgery is a touch ridiculous. they don't ask junkies to go off crack 2 weeks before they enter rehab. so don't be too hard on yourself. there are lots of us in the same boat.. and it's hard and once you have the band it's harder.. but the support is there if you need it. love love love your blog by the way !
cheers,
Sami Xx
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