Today the fun begins....or guilt in its many forms

So today I have my appointment with the anaesthetist who will be doing my band. Then on Friday I am going back to see Dr Cregan and have my 1st appointment with the dietician (don't know her name yet).

As is shown by my groovy little ticker thing it is only 29 days to go, the Dr's appointments have started cropping up and things are starting to pickup pace. Add to that school holidays, parent teacher interviews, birthdays coming out of our blow holes, a new software system at work, performance reviews etc etc, life is just one big ball of hectic at the moment.

I took some time on Friday to talk to my head friend. It is such a comfort to be able to say what is on my mind and have someone ask me questions and make me answer them instead of avoiding issues.

One of the things I have been dealing with which is getting harder to cope with as we get closer to banding day is the associated guilt I feel with having the operation. I have made the decision to get banded and am good with that decision. There is no question in my mind that this is not only the best solution for me but also for my family. This will take us along a different path than we might otherwise have followed. BUT......

There is this little voice in my head that says,"Hang on there just a minute lovey. You got your fat arse into this mess and now you expect everyone else to bail you out". The money, the time, the emotions, all the various ups and downs, and changes that I will be going through have a price. And I am asking those around me to pay that price. Ah and here is the clincher it all comes down to this. Am I worth the price?

On my darker days I would tell you no. Just let me go, Let me fall into the abyss, let me die alone under the weight of my own self. Just let me go.

But they are my darker days, and now I am trying to let the light through. I try everyday to come out of the shadows of my obesity. Am I worth the price that I am asking them to pay? Yes. Yes. Yes I am.

Guilt is useless but it has a place in my head. The game is to let it have it's moment and then put it back to bed. When it raises it head, acknowledge the guilt in that moment,"thanks for coming" I see you are here. Bye Bye for now.
Can I use that emotion as a motivator instead of a heart stopper. Can I say yes there is a price to pay so lets step up and make sure we are all getting what we paid for. Can I turn this crippling feeling of having committed an offense into a positive, action inspiring, push towards my goals. Can I?

Course I can, I am woman, I can do anything I put my mind too.....just you watch me.