It's kind of my nature to want things to be different. I think we all have a little of that in us. I have grown my hair long. It has taken me about a year maybe two, now I am think maybe I should get it cut. Pain in the arse having it long, but I know as soon as I get it cut I will want it long. So this time I am NOT going to do that. I am going to enjoy having my hair long.
There are many of these moments throughout my life. I get one thing or do one thing than think it shoulld have been another. I need to just settle. Find a calm place. Settle myself, enjoy this moment. I think it has been hard to do because I haven't really liked myself for so long, I didn't really want to spend time with me. So I am always trying to change something, do something, move something, just so I didn't have to rest with me. Hmmm that's kind of sad really. I am starting to see so many patterns repeated over and over. My hair is just one example. Always trying to reinvent myself, probably trying to find an incarnation that I actually could stand to be around.
I don't even think being overweight was the problem, I think the weight was another attempt at reinvention that got way out of control. The path that this journey has taken me on has been very enlightening. I know everyone has there own road to tread but I would seriously recommend people see some sort of therapy kind of person before or during this process. I don't think I would have any chance of success if I didn't deal with some of my head crap.
Lets be honest there is a reason I ended up at 165 kg. This just doesn't come from nowhere. I am not really ready to put it up for general discussion but let's just say I am a textbook example of what one childhood incident can do to a person.
And yet is it really one incident or are there many muddled together in foggy memories. All rolling and swirling together in my subconscious. Maybe I need to scrapbook them . Take each individual memeory like it was a treasured photo and spend the time pasting it on to it's own page in my mind. Give each memory, the good ones and the painful ones,the time and care that they deserve just because they are me. Covet each one, as a link to who and what I have become. I never really got into the scrapbooking craze but I can just sit, with me, and recognise them. I know it will take time. It's a long process. I don't want to pretty them up, sticking ribbons and shit all over them but I think giving them there place in me rather than trying to crush the bad ones into oblivion would be......settling.