Countdown to banding day

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I see a red door and I want to paint it black

It's kind of my nature to want things to be different. I think we all have a little of that in us. I have grown my hair long. It has taken me about a year maybe two, now I am think maybe I should get it cut. Pain in the arse having it long, but I know as soon as I get it cut I will want it long. So this time I am NOT going to do that. I am going to enjoy having my hair long.

There are many of these moments throughout my life. I get one thing or do one thing than think it shoulld have been another. I need to just settle. Find a calm place. Settle myself, enjoy this moment. I think it has been hard to do because I haven't really liked myself for so long, I didn't really want to spend time with me. So I am always trying to change something, do something, move something, just so I didn't have to rest with me. Hmmm that's kind of sad really. I am starting to see so many patterns repeated over and over. My hair is just one example. Always trying to reinvent myself, probably trying to find an incarnation that I actually could stand to be around.

I don't even think being overweight was the problem, I think the weight was another attempt at reinvention that got way out of control. The path that this journey has taken me on has been very enlightening. I know everyone has there own road to tread but I would seriously recommend people see some sort of therapy kind of person before or during this process. I don't think I would have any chance of success if I didn't deal with some of my head crap.

Lets be honest there is a reason I ended up at 165 kg. This just doesn't come from nowhere. I am not really ready to put it up for general discussion but let's just say I am a textbook example of what one childhood incident can do to a person.

And yet is it really one incident or are there many muddled together in foggy memories. All rolling and swirling together in my subconscious. Maybe I need to scrapbook them . Take each individual memeory like it was a treasured photo and spend the time pasting it on to it's own page in my mind. Give each memory, the good ones and the painful ones,the time and care that they deserve just because they are me. Covet each one, as a link to who and what I have become. I never really got into the scrapbooking craze but I can just sit, with me, and recognise them. I know it will take time. It's a long process. I don't want to pretty them up, sticking ribbons and shit all over them but I think giving them there place in me rather than trying to crush the bad ones into oblivion would be......settling.

Peace out


Nola said...

Or...just write. Choose one thing and just write...whatever hits the page. Keep it in a secret book that nobody sees. Leave it for a while...then go back and read over it. See if what you wrote is making any sense to you or giving you any answers or closure. If you are happy with it and understand and feel out that text and burn it..say goodbye and move on to the next memory or whatever. Just a suggestion:) I love reading your write so well and are very interesting!

Bulge Bandit said...

Thanks nola

i do journal as well as blog. If i am feeling lazy I will print my blog out and stick it in my journal. AAAHHH I am a scrapbooker. For god's sake someone shoot me please


Cat McKenzie said...

Oh, you are so hard on yourself sometimes. I'm glad to hear that you journal. Nola has some really good suggestions too.

Oh, and I LOVE that Rolling Stones song. I happen to ROCK at it on Guitar Hero.

You know, you are doing so well with everything. Just be kind to yourself.

And keep blogging, because I love reading what you have to say.


Bridget said...

It is truly amazing how much a little piece of silicone can change our mindset and make us think long and hard about our lives. No matter how much we might not want to address certain issues.

Diz said...

I'm with you. I think a lot of self-analyzation comes into play if we truly want to change ourselves for the better. But how hard it is! I'm with Nola. You have a gift. A way with words and putting things together. A descriptive way of expressing yourself with humor and pain. The fact that you recognize the need for pulling out the pictures and dusting them off shows progress. You Rock more ways than one.

Shrinking Dolly said...

Your intuition will guide you as to what you need to do to move on from these things that made us who we are today. If scrap booking will help you to recognize, forgive, change or accept these things, then it can only be a step in a healthy direction. It writing helps, maybe start another blog, or reflection diary. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it propels you in a positive direction.