Friday on my mind

It's late friday night. Late by my standards anyway. I usually get up around 5 so in bed about 9pm. Its about 10:30. I am on my hmmm 5th glass of wine. I thought I was sharing the bottle with P but I realised on my 3rd that he was actually drinking bourbon. So this post comes to you slightly giggly and needing to pee every 10mins.

Today as you may have noticed by the wine intake, I am not paying to much attention to the diety side of things.I did really well at work I ate my mandarin at morning tea while everyone else inhaled party pies and caramel tea cake but a few glasses of wine may not be optifast approved. Not overly concerned. 10 days to go till op. I am kind of getting in a few last minute no no's so my post today might be a bit random and jump around a bit. My head generally works like that. I can be thinking of one thing and then go off on a tangent and get sidetracked. Stay with me, we will get there in the end.

I had a conversation with my head friend today that went something like this

Me: I need your opinion on something
Her: OK shoot
Me:These mental people you deal with...
Her: Yep
Me: If they are like completely mental and go off their meds, then they kill someone, they go to court, argue diminished resposnsibility due to being mental and they get off.
Her: Sometimes yes
Me: OK so someone who has used the same medication for 24 yrs (ie food) goes off their meds and kills someone, can they then claim diminished responsibity?
Her: UUMM no?
Me: THAT SUCKS. NO FAIR. WHAT MAKES THEM MORE MENTAL THAN ME
Her: Who do you want to kill?
Me: PICK A FRIGGIN NAME OUT OF A HAT WOMAN

hehehe. Agression and I are old friends. I long to be calmer but it is very much and untravelled road, and there is some old saying about an untravelled road has rougher cobble stones that hurt your feet more.....something like that.

Ok so now I have a bottle of wine in me. Kids and husband in bed and the house is quiet. I love this time of the day.

What should I blog about. What do I want to say. So much and yet I dunno. Should we revisit the toilet phobia. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson. It wouldn't be the 1st time. Remind me some time(maybe when I am sober) to tell blog the toll booth story. It will freak you out.

Or should we revisit my mother issues. Which would be interesting right now seeing as she had my kids last week for the school holidays and I came home 75% of the time to pick them up and Oh wait lo and behold they have cooked a cake. Talk about sabotage.

Ok maybe lets go there for a bit. Sabotage. I do enough of it myself without her helping me along. Seriously she had my kids for 7 days and 4 days there was a cake or caramel friggin slice cooked. The days there was no cake the biscuit tin was promptly dropped in my lap the moment I arrived (proud of myslef for not partaking). This is an issue I have had with my mother for a LOOOOONNG time. She is o/weight I am o/weight and she seems to like making a competition out of it. I didn't tell her about the band until I was booked in and it was a done deal because at the time she had just been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and had lost loads of weight. She was doing really well and I was really pleased for her but I didn''t need the old "Well I can do it without surgery, why can't you"

She always seems to make our weight loss efforts into a competition. Since I was young this has been going on. Of course clarity has only come to me recently and I can see her sabotage and disparaging comments for what they really are...Fear, Fear that I will be smaller than her. Fear that the one person she can always rely on to be bigger than here hence making her look small is not going to be there any more. I know in my heart that she wants me to be happy and healthy, I know that she would never wish me ill health or sadness in my life....

I also know they she would do anything to get to a healthy weight before me. I think my surgery has her freaked out. And I have come to realise at age 35 that it is ok for her to be freaked.That is not my issue. I can take her support when it is offered but I can leave her sabotage with her. And the week just gone when she had the girls that is exactly what I did. I can understand that her sabotage of my efforts is her fear not mine, it is her journey not mine, I do not have to play that game, I do not have to eat cake just becasue it was cooked by children in my honour. I can marvel at my girls passion for cooking without partaking in the chocolate frosted heart attack they have baked for me.

Mothers are complicated. I love my mum, but she has failed me in so many ways. As an enlightened adult I need to learn to seperate the love I Have for my mother and the disappointment I feel at her having let me down along the way. I believe that she did the best she knew how to do at the time but am I okay in saying " You know what woman sometimes your best wasn't good enough" I am sure that I stumble sometimes on my motherhood journey. I think sometimes I should be contributing regularly to a therapy fund for my girls for when they get older. The trick is to see her as a human being who has failings and yet here I sit, all growed up. Successful? Who can judge. Happy? Learning what that means. Healthy? Approaching with caution. Wise? I like to think so. Peaceful? Within the realm of possibility. Loved? Hell yes. Loving? With all my heart.

So who takes credit for thar. Me or Her
Maybe a bit of both with a lot of help from my heart quilt. There are those that have taught me to love, and I am good at that. I have enough room in my heart for all that need a place. But is there enough room in that loving heart for the fat girl? The girl who needs a bit of extra room just to get her arse in the door?